19. the worst kind of ramblings

a gratuitous pic of me and the pea in woolie aare

the most amazing thing happened today. when little miss pea woke up from her nap after about 40 minutes and i was rocking her back to sleep, and i wasn't sure if it would work, i started to feel a little angry. and i said, hi strong fire in me. and i felt, integrated and whole and totally in the present and powerful and strong and not mad at all. i know not each moment or attempt will be that powerful but, dang! rock on universe!

i need to be working on a lot of grocery lists right now. so i am kind of feeling a little guilty about using the "down time" to blog. although, i am not sure meal planning counts as down time. this is one of those things a mama thinks about. is it indulgent to blog while my youngest sleeps and my older has a moment of "bob?" should i be making lists, doing dishes, lanolinizing the clean wool? when is it ok to say, oh yeah the house is a mess and the lunch dishes are in the sink and i still have not finished unpacking our bags from the trip south but i'll just bounce and blog anyway? how much time do you take to yourself when your job has no time boundaries and is never ending all day and all night every day and every night?

steph over at adventures in babywearing was writing in kind of a similar vein the other day and i happened to catch her post. i am always torn on this stuff. because really this is The Thing i want to be doing with my life right now. being home with my kids feels like the biggest blessing the universe divine love ever bestowed on me sometimes. i mean, i would be a million times over miserable if i was one of those amazing and dedicated work out of home mama's. but at the same time, i kind of want a lunch break. with another adult. somewhere that does not involve sitting far enough away from my food that baby pea can't grab it. wouldn't that be...amazing? and wouldn't it be kind of nice to leave work for the day? like, here i am arriving at work and then leaving work? no like each minute of each day of each week of each month of each year i am at work. but, then, since i am a stay at home mom it is ok to say about me, "oh no she doesn't work."

i don't know. right now i am sitting on the ball blogging while the pea sweats her sweet six month old sweat all over my collar bone where her chunky cheek is resting and i can feel her breath blowing in and out as she travels through her phases of sleep and i am not staring at some kind of monitor hoping to catch her before she wakes so i can try to get her back to sleep in her crib. we are in a nice simon hug, because i am breaking lovely simon in for my dear dear friend mellowmama. really there are only a few more months, maybe a year if i am lucky, when i will get to do this. i love wearing my kids in a didymos. i love feeling their slack body snoozing on me. or having my hands free to push the cart around the grocery store while they are tied tightly onto my back.

mellowmama also loves wrapping her kidlets but she does not like breaking in new wraps. and since she is my bff and i would do almost anything for her i am honored to be the totally spoiled person who gets to play with her brand new didy and make it soft and snuggly enough for her taste. mellowmama and i met through the internet which is kind of insane and i would think only a crazy person would find a best friend on the internet. but, it happened to me. she has two boys about a year apart in age, she is an "attachment parenting" mama (that sound so silly), and she is the queen of patience and go with the flow. when i feel like i am going to make my brain explode because i want things different and i want it now and i need everything to be Just So i can call her and say, "how do i make my kids like your kids?" because her kids sleep, and don't have hour long tantrums, and let her go places. and she will talk me down and remind me how to follow their lead and that they are kids, babies, and they need time and they need their parents to be calm not stressing out. mellowmama. godblessher, she has talked me off several cliffs. oh, and into several large diaper purchases. but, that is all a part of the package. and i like the package.

i can't even imagine what the title of this should be since i am pretty much just blathering on. and i ought to say a sincere "i am sorry" to my six (six!!!!!!) followers who are probably bored to tears by now. because following my brain on it journey around the last twenty minutes has been pretty full of words without a lot of content. so to speak. although if you clicked the link you got to see a picture of a really pretty wrap. that kind of thing always makes me feel good so maybe just that was worth your time. isn't it funny how no matter how much i do not want to care about things they still cheer me up immensely. like, a wrap can make me go from storming around the house to holding both kids and doing the hokey pokey. just because it is a wrap and i like it so so so so so much. never mind a cute girly fitted tush or a sbish soaker. i love some stuff here.

but to my credit, i loved the moment this morning more. the powerful me being right here moment. so, i guess i am not all bad.

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