1. ready to go

i am a failed blogger. i love to start things but i don't ever seem to follow through. not that anyone in the world is upset that i stopped short. but, i am disappointed in myself. so it is with fearful trepidation that i start yet again. and tell myself i will, i must, i can, i shall, put something on the blog everyday for a year. a year! a year? i think i might delete that part but for now i will keep typing and see what happens. committing to a year of posting everyday sounds like i am setting myself up to fail. of course, if i believe i will fail then i will fail. if i ask my friends and family to support me in my endeavor they will say - why blog everyday?

about a million years ago when i was young and single and not a mama at all my brother gave me anne lamott's book bird by bird. i had aspirations when i was in high school of being an author (what ever was i thinking?) and he had discovered anne and thought i would appreciate her teachings. what i remember right now is that she said you have to write everyday. and also that she talked about taking a long time to set herself up to write, tea just so, a snack, the right light, comfy clothes, and then when she was all ready and everything was perfect she sat down in her writing room to stare at the blank screen and fret that she could not think of anything to say. maybe i am making this all up and someone else told that story. it has been probably ten years since i read the book and for three of them i have not had more then a few straight hours of sleep.

who ever said all that certainly didn't think that rambling around on blogger was writing everyday but i have to start somewhere. start and continue. so i am not going to delete it then. poop. (or poop on a rock as we say in my family.) i would already like to stop and let myself off the hook and be able to quit at any time and fall back into my current habit of being nothing but a mama.

my oldest, the bean, is two years and nine months old and i am really just realizing how i disappeared into the role and lost my sense of self. it is ok though. i have been a good mama to him, and now also to the chickpea who is almost six months old. but i think it would be nice if they could meet me as well as having all their needs met by their mama. if that makes a lick of sense.

for now i will let coffee and fig newmans sustain me and plan on checking in again tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Does email count? I write emails every day... ;)