6. home is safe

everything takes longer with two. if i am trying to leave the house with them in the morning i have to start getting ready at least 45 minutes before i have to leave. 45 minutes! how insane does that sound. well, everyone needs a clean diaper (shout out for two in cloth mama's), shoes, coats, the chickpea needs to nurse, the bean needs a snack and rice milk packed, i need shoes and a coat. i have to pack the diaper bag with ten trillion things. and then there is the last minute decision by the bean, "i don't want to go. i want to stay home."

oh, ok, sure. fantastic.

there are a lot things i used to do or want to do that i just don't do because getting them both out of the house is such a bother. is that sad?

and then once we get out the door there is the managing. miss chickpea hates the car so we all have to listen to her holler and scream for however long we are in it. which means i try to keep us pretty close to home. so maybe we go to the bagel store. we get there and i get them out of the car and into the shop and get off everyone's coats and get chickpea wrapped on and find the beans car toy and his juice and sit him at the table and start to head up to the counter to order. but he wants to be held too. so i heft him onto a hip. and i wobble over to the counter pretending not to notice that everyone is looking at me holding both of my kids. then when it is time to leave and the bean throws a tantrum cause he doesn't want to go home and he wants to be carried to the car and on the way out i am carrying so much stuff i knock over a chair which draws even more attention to us i am thinking, "why did i leave home?"

staying home is safe. yes, maybe they watch too much tv and i feel completely cut off from the world and i spend too much time on my computer looking at pictures on facebook of people who actually do something besides parent. that may all be true. but i am hiding and it feels safe.

wait, why am i hiding? because i am afraid of struggling with my kids in public. i think people might not like the way i parent. i think i might get upset and people will see i am not so great at this after all. i might be too patient with them, or not patient enough, or too loud or not loud enough. people might think i am permissive. or mean.

so home is safe because no one is judging me. ah ha. well maybe safety isn't all it is cracked up to be. maybe i should just embrace myself and my kids and be willing to go out. even if i will only go places that are a 10 minute drive or less. because really, i cannot stand the screaming.

1 comment:

  1. I think your kids are about the same age difference as my middle two. My middle two kids are 23 months apart (they are 9 and 7 now). Boy, do I remember how is was going out with them in the early days. I would sweat the whole time we were out! It wasnt exactly easy to go out with them, and I tried not to if I didnt have to! It does get, well, if not better, at least different when they get older!
    Dont bother with what people are thinking. Youre doing great!