21. are you like me?

the bean aping his baby doll this fall

i don't have a lot of real life friends who are parenting in the same way i am. i have a few fantastic friends here in town, and they are very kind and wonderful parents, but there are differences in the way we deal with sleep or nursing or whatever. just differences. and different is fine but sometimes it is just nice to spend time with someone who parents like you do. i had no idea it was going to feel so - lonely - when i started making some of the decisions i made. but it does. and sometimes i go places that feel "cruchier" or something and i am looking around thinking, "are any of these people ap?"

today we tried a new class. it is at a yoga studio near me and it is called mommy & me yoga. the teacher is there with her daughter who seems about 3 or 4 to me. then there were two other women there with 3 or 4 year old girls and two newer mom's there with babies. i was there with my two, chickpea on the mat grabbing her toes and smiling at everyone and the bean who did not want to leave the house (i promised he could eat cheddar quakes in the car) or walk to the studio (i said i would race him and hold both his hands) or go into the room (i pulled out his bob toys and drove them in in a little parade of bobness to encourage him). then he sat in the corner near me with his toys averting his eyes and not participating. which is ok.

so during the class i was trying to make both my kids happy and have fun while also keeping my eyes peeled for signs, hints, as to other parenting methods in the room. because, if you are at the yoga studio you might be ap. you just might. especially if you are the teacher, right? she certainly seems to be into gentle discipline. i mean, her little one is kind of pushing the buttons and she is using that tone i recognize so well. the "i kind of want to strangle you but that will get us nowhere so i am going to be calm and even and kind and i am digging down deep to find my loving peaceful self" voice.

but my point is more, there i am, looking looking looking. and in my head i am thinking, "are any of you ap? like me? ap?" i wish there was some kind of pin we wore, or a hand shake. someway to just feel a little less like i am the only one walking this path right now. not that i would have an instant friend just because they were ap. or that i would love them. but it would be nice to feel a little more normal. and maybe i would feel a little more normal if i spent less time chatting online with my ap friends who live all over the united states and beyond and more time talking it out with people who i could see and smell and touch. if i wanted to do those things.

not to be overly poor me or anything but sometimes it just gets a little tiresome feeling like the only freak in town. and that is because i sleep with my kids and nursed through my pregnancy and don't believe in time outs. what if they also knew i communicated telepathically with animals. and took advice from spirit friends. and think i can talk to my friend's dead uncle. what if i just wore myself on my sleeve and said, "this is me. take me as i am." i wonder what that would feel like and how it would be. and if i would still spend all this secretive energy glancing about furtively wondering, "are you like me?"

i know there are enough of us out there to keep several chat boards busy. but there don't seem to be enough in my area to even keep the attachment parenting international support group going. the old leaders moved about two years ago and the yahoo group kind of dribbles on with a post every three months or so and no one stepping up to lead. i have been thinking that maybe leading a local api group is something i could do. but, first i have to read some more books and then pay a fee to start it and so on. i think that is another post entirely.

i also think i need some black tea. or another coffee. because i can't even feel awake enough to write this. but for the sake of anne i am staying at the screen. you know what is kind of amazing? i have put a post up every day since i said i would. now, that is a pretty active blog for a freak huh?

alright few brave readers. lets go binge on sugar, or caffeine, or potato chips, and find an online friend to compare bad nights with. yikes. peace. love. joy.