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34. your eyes are dripping

i remember one day when i was pregnant with the pea and having a really tough day. i was sitting at the kitchen table of our tiny little rented cottage that we shared with goats (i think that is another post) and i was crying. the bean looked at me very seriously and said, "mama, your eyes are dripping."

my eyes are doing a lot of dripping today.

33. i can't help it

i want to blog. i really do. but, sadly i am completely stuck on reading the poineer woman's love story. don't know what i am talking about. check it out, but be forewarned...the free time you have none of is about to disappear.

black heels to tractor wheels

32. wishing

chickpea napping in pfau

i am on my ball bouncing and the pea is asleep in our black cherry dyed violet and white pfau. (this wrap is insanely beautiful thanks to the dye job by jenn over at piece of cloth. and jenn totally rocks, she is sweet as pie and amazing to work with...but i digress as a wrap addict will now and again.) i need to get a good pic of this wrap but for the moment i think i'll pick up my camera and try to shoot a quickie of us. ok, i think that one will do for today. 

so much for not digressing.

while i am on here just bouncing my life away and also looking at other people's gorgeous blogs and doing a lot of wishing the bean is being a saint. a saint i tell you. he is playing quietly with his toys and occasionally asking me in his best whisper voice if i will help him go pick out another car or plane to play with. he has amassed quite a pile here in the living room but i could care less because, as i said, he is being a saint.

so saintly in fact, that i looked over there a few minutes ago and my eyes actually filled up with tears. tears of longing. longing for the ability to be the most perfect mama ever for him. which some part of my brain thinks i was before i had the pea and thinks i now fail at. and he is so amazing, and special, and precious. i wish i had not asked him to be quiet because the pea was rejecting the nap in crib plan. i wished i was laying on the floor driving his cars with him. i can't believe how amazing he can be. so, i had to cry a little bit. for the bean mama union that used to be. it was something special. and it is over. that is hard sometimes.

now because this is getting a little too upsetting for me for today i think i will list off my wishes for my blog that have been accumulating as i look around the web.

i want a logo.
i want a site not powered by blogger (sorry blogger - no fault of yours).
i want my pics to upload and look good not like crap because i have a nice camera and it stinks to upload my pics and have them look like i never got my nice camera.
i want my own domain name.
i want to make banners.
i might want a tag line.
i want a place that helps me to take my writing more seriously.
oh, and i don't want to lose any of my content i have already amassed.

ok universe? there is my wish list. can you make it happen?

31. well, she woke up.

i was all set to blog. first i spent a few minutes catching up with victory and mellowmama on chat and then i was thinking about what to say and then, pop! a little head came out of simon. and let out a big burp. and then looked at me and smiled. where the heck did her nap go?

oh well, now i have no choice but to put her on my back and starting making dinner. pioneer woman's the best salad ever for our dinner playdate.

see ya!

30. talking to the nethers

rhyson - because guides are all around us

if you are in the inner circle of my inner circle then you might know that my behind likes to give me trouble when my life is out of whack. while, if you are on the inner inner or if you happen to read my blog today. yeesh. do i have no shame? well, lets just continue down this path and use some mild language. my backside is very opinionated and prone to discomfort. i will leave it at that. along with regular chiropractic work to keep me aligned i have come to find that if the backside is sending me a pain message there is probably some part of my life that needs a changin'. when the butt talks, i try to listen.

lately it seems that the nether region has plans for me so i thought i might take moment today to just open up and listen and see what i might learn. i will let my fingers do the work and try to leave the brain out of it. just connect with the great light and see what i can hear. so, read on if you are on for some behind inspired woowoo.

ok divine white light. i think i am supposed to get some teaching or a teacher today and i think i am supposed to write to find my way. i also happen to be eating some really yummy cereal and i don't want it to get soggy so i hope you don't mind me doing both. i would really like for there to be less pain in my life. and i would like some help with that.

ask for healing.

oh. ah ha. that sounds like a pretty obvious thing i could be doing.

be grateful for the healing once you ask for it. you don't have to wait for an answer to be grateful. you used this the other day nicely. keep working on asking and saying thank you in the same breath. shows deep belief.

and remember your guides are active all around you all the time. there is always a blue bird, a tree, the spirits of your land, the sun and wind and snow and air, and light. everything is a teacher when you listen. you need to bust your butt to listen more. open open open up.

divine white light makes puns?

if that is what you need to learn. i am the intention you are the translation. but you could stop trying to entertain. that is not the work. and you will not find the joy in that. the connections would be false and break easily. reach deeper than that and those who need to hear you will. and maybe only you need to hear you. clarity, joy, work, is not about a crowd. giving is good but collecting a following is not your calling. your body is trying to tell you to stay on the right path. anytime you feel lost, you just ask and we are here to help lead you back. and you will get lost and fall off because that is living but the lesson is to keep learning how to listen, how to ask for and receive help, not just laugh at yourself.

also, there are two different things here. not everything you write has to be about or for your spiritual work. processing, laughing, humor, sharing anxiety. that is ok for you too. but not at the expense of the light. this is the message. you can't drop the one to do the other. hold both and you are balanced.

i want to do it all. i want to cook and clean, to write and exercise, and do art with the bean, and teach pea to nap in her crib, and go on dates with flash. but it just feels like there is not time and i don't know how to do it all.

ok, keep working on it. keep asking for help. keep trying different mixes different days. i am not here to plan your daily life but i am here to support you and help you struggle in a way that is joyous instead of sinking. breathing is always good. and laughter. and time staring into their eyes and smiling. connecting. take it from that base and build up.

and i will ask for healing. thank you.

peace.

29. ease

sometimes things are just so much harder then you want them to be. and it feels like your whole world is blowing up into a million pieces. and you are the kind of person who likes happy endings. and a plan. and resolution. and you want to fix everything for everyone and have everyone agree and be peaceful and happy. and you are trying to do your work, and have some fun, and change. but not change away from your true self and what matters to you. just make the changes you can make. and do some praying. and raise your kids up right. because they didn't send you a note from the great beyond asking to be born. they didn't say, "hey will you please take me out to a nice restaurant on the day i am sick, and over tired, and getting my molars in? please?" they didn't ask the guy pushing his chair back to trip them so they got a bruised face and bloody lip. and the tantrum that ensues it so out of their control and they are just so exhausted and hurting they are losing their little minds. and then it feels suddenly like the whole family is blowing to bits and you are sitting in your car listening to everyone cry. everyone. and thinking, "please help me. help me. help me." and by the time you get home it is like a prayer. "oh universe please help me. help me. help me. i feel i cannot do it. i need to do it. please help me. i need help."

and what i want to say is, "why is this so hard for us?!?" and why is it so much easier for everyone else? where is our ease? please universe, please please send us some ease. some grace. some contentment with each other. we need some help here. i am calling out to all our guides and spirits and support and god and everyone. we need help. help help help. we need a little ease here. please please bless us with a moment of ease. and some slight shift towards seeing each other again. instead of just building up and knocking down walls.

i. am. calling. out. to. the. universe. for. help. for. US.
my intention is to send the message out so clearly and then to say, thank you. thank you for sending the help. thank you for holding us and helping us. and granting us our love and our life. thank you.