32. wishing

chickpea napping in pfau

i am on my ball bouncing and the pea is asleep in our black cherry dyed violet and white pfau. (this wrap is insanely beautiful thanks to the dye job by jenn over at piece of cloth. and jenn totally rocks, she is sweet as pie and amazing to work with...but i digress as a wrap addict will now and again.) i need to get a good pic of this wrap but for the moment i think i'll pick up my camera and try to shoot a quickie of us. ok, i think that one will do for today. 

so much for not digressing.

while i am on here just bouncing my life away and also looking at other people's gorgeous blogs and doing a lot of wishing the bean is being a saint. a saint i tell you. he is playing quietly with his toys and occasionally asking me in his best whisper voice if i will help him go pick out another car or plane to play with. he has amassed quite a pile here in the living room but i could care less because, as i said, he is being a saint.

so saintly in fact, that i looked over there a few minutes ago and my eyes actually filled up with tears. tears of longing. longing for the ability to be the most perfect mama ever for him. which some part of my brain thinks i was before i had the pea and thinks i now fail at. and he is so amazing, and special, and precious. i wish i had not asked him to be quiet because the pea was rejecting the nap in crib plan. i wished i was laying on the floor driving his cars with him. i can't believe how amazing he can be. so, i had to cry a little bit. for the bean mama union that used to be. it was something special. and it is over. that is hard sometimes.

now because this is getting a little too upsetting for me for today i think i will list off my wishes for my blog that have been accumulating as i look around the web.

i want a logo.
i want a site not powered by blogger (sorry blogger - no fault of yours).
i want my pics to upload and look good not like crap because i have a nice camera and it stinks to upload my pics and have them look like i never got my nice camera.
i want my own domain name.
i want to make banners.
i might want a tag line.
i want a place that helps me to take my writing more seriously.
oh, and i don't want to lose any of my content i have already amassed.

ok universe? there is my wish list. can you make it happen?

13. what if i get lonely?

well, the blogging continues but i have been thinking about it some. what i like and don't like about the process. i have spent a fair amount of time on this one parenting board i like and there when i type something out people tend to respond. which i like. it is like knowing people are listening. or, maybe even more embarassingly important to me, knowing people like me enough to read what i said and give a little shout back. here, in the land of my blog, i get to say a lot more and wax on and on without worrying about how long it would take someone to read and if i am making a good point. but, then, it is a little lonely hearing the way the words just bounce around the empty cavern of my blog.

i have been temped several times to ask people, "pleeeeeeaaaaaase will you leave me a comment if you read?" somehow that might soothe my terrified ego. my sister in law offered to try to help me put some kind of a counting device on here so i can see if people visited because i asked her if it was possible. then even if no one actually writes a comment i will still be able to see a little number that says someone was here. but, did they read? or wait, maybe it was just me stopping by to see if anyone was here? help me i think i might be lonely. and terribly insecure. and completely open to begging for feedback that sounds something like this, "hey woo woo i think you are ok."

wow, you have to love how just the act of blogging for a few days has brought a number of my neurosis to the surface for examination. here are the two voices in my head:

1. ok let's take a minute to write about why we care if people like us. and let's figure out how to feel ok about ourself even if no one ever reads this blog. ever.

2. well here we have the perfect opening to ask people to leave a comment so we are not lonely! why would we spend our time saying we are ok? then people might be here and read that and not say hi and we will still be lonely. what is wrong with you 1?!?

i had a pretty spot-on supervisor at my internship site back when i was working on my masters degree (an unfinished thing) who noticed my fear of being alone pretty early on. he also knew about how i was interested in working with my helping friendly spirits and so he said to me, kindly, and as i was walking out the door to a scary first appointment, "so, you are never alone. right?" he wasn't the type to tell me and thusly solve the issue for me. he was more a question posing you figure it out for yourself person. anyway, the answer given our recent conversation about my spirit guides was "no."

do you think they are here with me reading my blog? i guess i should ask them sometime. are you guys just around to help with the big stuff or in your free time are you checking my blog for daily writings?

here is today's irrational thought. maybe, if i knew how to write code and design things on the computer i could make my blog look prettier and then people would come read it.

maybe i should go drink gin out of the dog bowl.

1. ready to go

i am a failed blogger. i love to start things but i don't ever seem to follow through. not that anyone in the world is upset that i stopped short. but, i am disappointed in myself. so it is with fearful trepidation that i start yet again. and tell myself i will, i must, i can, i shall, put something on the blog everyday for a year. a year! a year? i think i might delete that part but for now i will keep typing and see what happens. committing to a year of posting everyday sounds like i am setting myself up to fail. of course, if i believe i will fail then i will fail. if i ask my friends and family to support me in my endeavor they will say - why blog everyday?

about a million years ago when i was young and single and not a mama at all my brother gave me anne lamott's book bird by bird. i had aspirations when i was in high school of being an author (what ever was i thinking?) and he had discovered anne and thought i would appreciate her teachings. what i remember right now is that she said you have to write everyday. and also that she talked about taking a long time to set herself up to write, tea just so, a snack, the right light, comfy clothes, and then when she was all ready and everything was perfect she sat down in her writing room to stare at the blank screen and fret that she could not think of anything to say. maybe i am making this all up and someone else told that story. it has been probably ten years since i read the book and for three of them i have not had more then a few straight hours of sleep.

who ever said all that certainly didn't think that rambling around on blogger was writing everyday but i have to start somewhere. start and continue. so i am not going to delete it then. poop. (or poop on a rock as we say in my family.) i would already like to stop and let myself off the hook and be able to quit at any time and fall back into my current habit of being nothing but a mama.

my oldest, the bean, is two years and nine months old and i am really just realizing how i disappeared into the role and lost my sense of self. it is ok though. i have been a good mama to him, and now also to the chickpea who is almost six months old. but i think it would be nice if they could meet me as well as having all their needs met by their mama. if that makes a lick of sense.

for now i will let coffee and fig newmans sustain me and plan on checking in again tomorrow.