30. talking to the nethers

rhyson - because guides are all around us

if you are in the inner circle of my inner circle then you might know that my behind likes to give me trouble when my life is out of whack. while, if you are on the inner inner or if you happen to read my blog today. yeesh. do i have no shame? well, lets just continue down this path and use some mild language. my backside is very opinionated and prone to discomfort. i will leave it at that. along with regular chiropractic work to keep me aligned i have come to find that if the backside is sending me a pain message there is probably some part of my life that needs a changin'. when the butt talks, i try to listen.

lately it seems that the nether region has plans for me so i thought i might take moment today to just open up and listen and see what i might learn. i will let my fingers do the work and try to leave the brain out of it. just connect with the great light and see what i can hear. so, read on if you are on for some behind inspired woowoo.

ok divine white light. i think i am supposed to get some teaching or a teacher today and i think i am supposed to write to find my way. i also happen to be eating some really yummy cereal and i don't want it to get soggy so i hope you don't mind me doing both. i would really like for there to be less pain in my life. and i would like some help with that.

ask for healing.

oh. ah ha. that sounds like a pretty obvious thing i could be doing.

be grateful for the healing once you ask for it. you don't have to wait for an answer to be grateful. you used this the other day nicely. keep working on asking and saying thank you in the same breath. shows deep belief.

and remember your guides are active all around you all the time. there is always a blue bird, a tree, the spirits of your land, the sun and wind and snow and air, and light. everything is a teacher when you listen. you need to bust your butt to listen more. open open open up.

divine white light makes puns?

if that is what you need to learn. i am the intention you are the translation. but you could stop trying to entertain. that is not the work. and you will not find the joy in that. the connections would be false and break easily. reach deeper than that and those who need to hear you will. and maybe only you need to hear you. clarity, joy, work, is not about a crowd. giving is good but collecting a following is not your calling. your body is trying to tell you to stay on the right path. anytime you feel lost, you just ask and we are here to help lead you back. and you will get lost and fall off because that is living but the lesson is to keep learning how to listen, how to ask for and receive help, not just laugh at yourself.

also, there are two different things here. not everything you write has to be about or for your spiritual work. processing, laughing, humor, sharing anxiety. that is ok for you too. but not at the expense of the light. this is the message. you can't drop the one to do the other. hold both and you are balanced.

i want to do it all. i want to cook and clean, to write and exercise, and do art with the bean, and teach pea to nap in her crib, and go on dates with flash. but it just feels like there is not time and i don't know how to do it all.

ok, keep working on it. keep asking for help. keep trying different mixes different days. i am not here to plan your daily life but i am here to support you and help you struggle in a way that is joyous instead of sinking. breathing is always good. and laughter. and time staring into their eyes and smiling. connecting. take it from that base and build up.

and i will ask for healing. thank you.

peace.

28. 10:28am going to go looking for a blue bird feeling.

bean, chickpea, flash - just because

around 10:15 i got to thinking that i needed some kind of a lift this morning. then i got into a chat with a friend on facebook. someone who i trust to help direct me. lets call her the witch of the west. not the wicked one though. this one is pretty cool. we help each other a fair amount with spiritual kinds of work and though our belief systems are similar our go to tools are pretty different. lets just say, to be simple, she specializes in clear yes or no answers and i tend to drone on and on and on.

so, below is our chatsky. you might notice i am in a spirited kind of mood this morning:

10:22am
woowoo: trying to decide what to blog about
i need a lift.
can you find out who i should talk to?
grandmother?
a power animal?
sofia?
lucky?
eli?
i feel like i need to chat with someone to perk me up a bit
are you even still there?

wotw:
you need to talk to a guide
a new guide
go find it

woowoo:
great
thanks
note dripping sarcasm
can you find it and tell me?

wotw:
yoru welcome, i'm starving, goin to go eat now...

woowoo:
hey!
that is so unfair!

wotw:
??

woowoo:
i didn't want to do that much work
lol
just hand me the guide and i'll do the chat

wotw:
no journey, just talk

woowoo:
how do i find the guide w/o a journey
just ask someone i already know?

wotw:
i can help

woowoo:
u r hungry

wotw:
i an wiat

woowoo:
are you sure

wotw:
i can wait

woowoo:
u can't type anymore
that is extreme fatigue

wotw:
yep
this is fun

woowoo:
ok ok
so maybe eli?
or is the guide in spirit only?

wotw:
not mentioned above
both

woowoo:
is the guide in this world?
the middle world?

wotw:
both spirit and physical

woowoo:
is it an animal?

wotw:
lower
no

woowoo:
person?

wotw:
bird
blue bird

woowoo:
a bird i have met before in reality?

wotw:
lives near your house
go for a walk

woowoo:
can i go for a virtual walk?
i am wearing sleeping baby

wotw:
have to go outside
can wear baby

woowoo:
ok, well have to wait

wotw:
will not see it
but will feel it
not talk, just feel
it will cheer you up

woowoo:
so like looking out the window doesn't count

wotw:
no

woowoo:
can you tell i am a wise ass today?
ok will do
there goes blog idea though
thanks!

wotw:
you can try to put the feeling into words
that'll be a good exercise!

woowoo:
yes later
ok

wotw:
now, can i eat?

woowoo:
ummmmmmmm
oh kay
fine



10:28am
woowoo:
like status update?


you know what the great thing about the world is? i didn't even go out walking yet, and i already feel like a huge chunk of grump has been removed from my general area. just thinking about what it will feel like i can already feel it...thank you blue bird. i will still come out to find you. i am so glad that my life changed and i found my connection to the universe. it makes the living so much more glorious.

18. de-mad

bean and chickpea both sleeping at about 2.5 years and 6 weeks.

i think one of the reasons i do not come up with working on sleep plans is because i get mad so easily. and mad just does not help. if i am not trying, i am not failing, and i am not angry. when i try i feel like i am floundering around in the dark and nothing is working and i hate hate hate sucking at things. so i get really mad. mad like i am irrationally angry at my child because they are not that magical sleeping 7 month old. as though they are choosing not to sleep simply to taunt me. or to make sure i fail. or i lose. where does this anger come from?

i came up with a sleep plan the other day. it seemed like baby enough steps that i could do it without losing my mind. i ran the idea's past flash and my friend who also has two non-sleepers (we'll call her victory cause she has a serious vegetable garden green thumb that i am deeply jealous of) and they agreed that it sounded doable.

here is the plan:
1. try to get the chickpea to nap in her crib the first nap of the day. so, get her to sleep nursing and rocking. replace breast with paci. put her in the crib. when she wakes (usually somewhere between 20 - 40 mins) try to get her back to sleep and back in the crib. for her second (or subsequent) naps i am giving myself the freedom to try crib or just wear her depending on my mood and how i think she is doing.

2. have flash stay in the room while i get the bean to sleep at night. not that i leave or anything, or that flash takes over any part of our little love fest routine, but that he is in there.

i implemented the plan yesterday with what i view as HUGE success. so much success that i had to just use all caps and yell about it. chickpea napped for 35 mins, woke up, let me get her back to sleep relatively quickly, and slept in her crib for another 45 mins or so. woot!

at night i told the bean that dada was going to stay with us while we went to sleep. he said, "i don't want to sleep with daddy!" and i assured him "daddy is not sleeping with you he is just staying with us while we fall asleep and then he will leave." end of protest and the bean was asleep within ten minutes. another big woot.

so with all that early success under my belt i felt like things were going well. and i was thrilled and inspired. maybe this isn't so bad after all. then this morning chickpea had other ideas and only napped in her crib for about 30 mins. woke up. it took me about 30 mins to get her back to sleep. put her in her crib and she was awake in 4 minutes. yes, 4. i was mad. pissed. irate. in fact, i decided it was best not to go up and get her straight away because i was so mad. i waited until she started fussing and i had calmed down. then i promptly jumped on my chat and told victory "i am losing my mind this is not working!"

from an intellectual perspective and from reading all the sleep books i can see that it is totally insane to think that trying something new once is going to mean that everything changes and my kids are the sleepers of my dreams. yes, i get it. but the thing inside me that rises up like an snake uncoiling does not listen to the rational brain. it hisses and screams and bites and hurts. and i want to stomp it down and i want to feed it at the same time.

don't hear the wrong thing here. the snake is metaphor and i don't yell, scream or hurt my children. but i feel a level emotion that is verging on insane. where is it coming from? why am i fostering it in my body?

victory said, "if it is stressing you out this much why not back off?"

yes, that is an option. but there is work for me here and i want to face it. the work is to de-mad myself. to try to peak into the eyes of the snake and say, "hello friend. what is the message you have for me? what do i need to see, learn, face, honor, for this to change? how can i let go of the angry and just be patient and calm about the process?"

because doesn't it seem a little strange that i have the patience to parent two kids through several nightwakings each night and not to do a little bit of work on a nap? what is that about?

it feels like right thing to do is to talk to the anger. so lets try a little woo woo.

my intention is to communicate with the part of me that is angry in relation to my children and sleep. are you there for me to talk with?

yes.

ok, this anger feels big and powerful and like a fire energy. i feel scared of it. i am noticing those reactions. my heart feels tight and scared. i am scared of the angry part of myself and scared of the fire intensity.


fire, anger, i am scared of you.


yes. i know. but you do not need to fear me. i am power and i am your power. harness your power, hold it, use it in a way you like. don't hide from it.

it feels like i might be able to use the power to be strong and patient about sleep. about working on sleep. can i make that transformation? it also makes sense to me that i am afraid of the power, of the fire, of the anger. this fear is a repeating thing for me since i was intimately involved with someone who felt abusive to me. is working with you all a part of this healing process for me?

yes. of course. and yes, you can make that transformation. can and will.

and i don't need to make you disappear. i can be angry. it does not need to consume me though. i can say hello and then ask the power to change to something more useful to me.

you can't never be angry. and you cannot need the people in your life to never be angry. you need to develop a relationship with anger that is functional so that you care for your own anger correctly and in balance. otherwise it comes out fractured and directed as blame. blame does not serve you. but fire does serve you. feel the fire, listen to the fire, harness the fire, transform the anger. anger can be great energy. you just need to meet it and then shape it, clean it up, love it, turn it into love.

ok. so this is life work stuff. i get it when we are talking about it but i am guessing i won't pull it off all the time.

life work is good. maybe sleep is life work. things don't change in a day.

right. thank you for talking with me anger.

"angry me." i am a part of you not a separate teacher. that distinction is important for you.

thank you angry me. i am going to work on honoring my fire energy and my anger and focusing on my ability to harness and work with the energy as love.

ok. well there is the woo woo for today. i have to say, whenever i have doubted my attachment parenting style my woo woo brings me back to it. so for today i think i will keep working on the sleep changes and see how the work can be work for me on a spiritual level. try, get mad, say hi to mad, turn mad into love and patience and the ability to persevere, try again.

if anyone is still reading god bless ya!

12. looking for my peace

well, my husband, flash, arrived down here yesterday. the bean was so excited to see him they just played and played. the chickpea did really well with him laughing and trying to eat his nose. joy. then darkness fell and nighttime parenting began. the plan was for dad to join the bean and sleep in there...something that was fairly normal when we were home. around 11:30 bean woke up and called for me so went in and got him back to sleep. flash stayed in bean's bed through all this. at midnight he was up again, this time the pea was up too so i picked her up and we went in. flash retired to the other bed. i spent the next three hours trying to convince the bean to sleep, not to kick me, to let me sleep, not to wake the pea, and so on. it was maddening and exhausting and there were so many times when i just wanted to scream at him, or shake him, or something. i was irate. i finally told him i was leaving him alone in his room so i could go sleep and i went to join flash, bringing the pea with me. within ten minutes he was crying for me and i went in and he rolled into me and fell asleep.

today is our last day down here and i wanted it to be so fun. i wanted to go out to dinner at the indian place and lunch at the cuban place and be all smiles and laughs. instead i am spending my time trying not to blow up at my crabby son and trying not to cry just because things are not going my way.

the bean hasn't napped in about two months but i thought he needed one so i took him for a drive. he fell asleep but when i got him out of the car and into his bed he woke up and refused to go back to sleep. he is so tired. why oh why oh why does he hate to sleep? and why does it make me so mad?

ok sit still for a minute and think. why am i mad? what can i let go of so i can feel better? what is making this so terrible. scott noelle is always talking about resistance creating anger in his daily groove emails. maybe i need to stop resisting. what am i fighting against. i am fighting against the day not going how i wanted it to or how i had imagined it would be. what if i could let go and trust that the universe just had other plans for this day? i would feel better. i might still struggle but there feels like less tension. ok, fine, universe, bring on your day.

i was driving the other day past a church down here and there was a sign out front that said "your plans not working out? try god's." it made me laugh at the time (and i still do get a chuckle out of the wording) but it also is starting to make more and more sense to me. if my plans are not going my way it really bugs me. but if i could step away from that, do my best, and trust that the divine is working her magic and things are as they should be i would feel better. i might still get mad but it feels less mad. like, this is just unpleasant. not with the added pressure of "what am i doing wrong it feels like i am failing." oh yes, i hate failing at things. so i hate failing at getting my child to sleep. and failing to keep everyone happy and well rested. and feeling like i am failing at the one thing i am trying to do -- parent.

i think i might take a deep breath. except i know from my relaxation response training that i need to take at last ten for it to be at all worthwhile so hold please. or breath with me. we can all feel a little better.

one. inhale and exhale.
two. inhale and exhale.
these are deep belly breaths. fill that belly up with air.
three. in out.
four. in with peace out with tension.
five. in with relaxation out with anger.
wow, feeling better already. but i think i will see this through to ten.
six. in out.
my shoulders are about ten inches lower.
seven in and out.
eight inhale white light. out with tension.
nine. in and out. i think the baby is more soundly asleep.
ten. big long deep inhale. slow exhale.

oh. ok. here i am. in the present. funny, the bean just got off the couch and started walking towards me. and flash got home from his trip to go pick me up food. thank you universe. thank you self.

2. by a thread

last night was not an easy one. i think at some point i got about an hour uninterrupted but most of the night it felt like one kid or another was up, wanting me to hold them, wanting to snuggle, needing a drink, needing milkies. the bean decided 5:50 was a good time to be up for the day. i spent a fair amount of time sleeping with both of them - crammed in between them sweaty and uncomfortable - and about the same amount of time walking between the two rooms trying to have them in different beds. i am tired, which is ok, and i am crabby, which i hate. i especially hate when i am crabby and i direct my crabbiness at them. like they chose to wake up, like they decided what style of nighttime parenting i would use, like it is someone's "fault" that my kids don't sleep. i really want to find someone to blame. wouldn't that be nice?

in this state i don't know what to do so i guess it makes the most sense to turn to some more grounded and loving guides.

dear grandmother, what can i do to feel better? is there a lesson here? am i on the right path?

hello my daughter. sit with me and let my energy hold you. you have spent a lot of yourself caring for your children in the last few weeks. reach out to the universe and ask to be filled back up. the crabbiness you feel is like a depletion. yes, perhaps you can look for ways to support your body through sleepless nights but all around you is what you need. free floating energy, happy to help you be stronger if you can take a moment of peace to ask for it, to invite help in. you told your mother, and then your friend, to be nice to themselves. be nice to yourself. seek out your own healing. love yourself. trust that you are doing well and right and that everything is truly and deeply ok. remember that love is energy pure, white, and strong. do you lack love?

not at all.

let yourself feel how that love fills you and creates joy.

don't get caught up in why me. why me leads you nowhere. self pity sticks you in the mud. transform those thoughts and you will be learning more from parenting. you often come to me and ask "am i doing this right?" and i always tell you that you are. and so i will continue to tell you. walk your path and be proud and true and feel how love sustains you. don't be in a hurry. don't rush to hear answers. sit and breath. pray. breath. pray. breath. pray.

smile.

yes.

is there more i should be thinking about today or now?

transformation. transforming energy. you can feel anger, crabbiness, frustration. these things arise. say hello. honor their presence in your experience of reality for a moment or two. sit with them fully. then ask that they be transformed. ask for love to transform them, ask for me to transform them, ask for the divine to transform them. feel them change and morph into something that helps to heal yourself and the world. let your children in on the process.

and eat chocolate?

humor is fine.

thank you. thank you. good bye.


well the weight is lifted some. and although it is still raining outside i can imagine wanting to go outside where the bean is doing barn chores with gran gran. it feels like i might be done hiding and trying to escape. that is always a step in the right direction for me. and maybe i can have a cookie before i go...while no one is looking.