15. day of birth

i have been thinking lately that maybe i complain too much. maybe i focus too much on how hard things are having two kids and trying to get it all right. really, if you asked me what i wanted to have on the day i turned 31 i would have basically described the life i have now. not a lot of people are blessed enough to say that. i want a husband who i love, i want two kids, and i want to take care of them everyday. plus i have a beautiful house, and my health, and a great relationship with my parents, and some good friends, and a super great cat. so, for now at least, i want to just try to feel lucky and not tired. may everyone in the world wake up one day and realize that life is full of blessings.

11. almost missed

i forgot about my blog today! my husband is here and i am so excited i just got distracted. yay for happy reunions. yay for the bean being so happy to see his dada. yay for being together again. yay for listening to happy games. yay for boys playing together. yippee yippee hooray.

7. bean thoughts

he is growing up. maybe he doesn't sleep through the night much. he likes to be held still. he would often prefer that i feed him. but he is growing up. it is undeniable. in my weaker moments i want them both to hurry up and be older. i dream of life being easier. i want a break from being constantly needed by everyone. i want him to be more like other kids his age who need less. in my weaker moments i have wishes that the time will pass more quickly.

in clearer moments when i can really see him how he is now i am shocked and amazed. touched and feeling slippery sad emotions. he is not my baby anymore. he hasn't nursed since the day the chickpea was born. he says things like "i found the perfect shoes." he plays quietly with tape and paper for ten minutes or more. his face has changed to that of a little boy. when we get home from SC he will be starting preschool two mornings a week. he can use a fork and the pepper grinder. he runs "super fast" without falling so much, he kicks a bigger ball "so far." he laughs at his own jokes, just like his mama does.

i had no idea he was going to be such a consistently kind and caring older brother. the first thing he says to me many mornings is, "chickpea is up? can i give her hugs and kisses? put her here next to me so i can snuggle her." i can get in the shower and leave them alone together without worrying what he will do. he says, "i luf chickpea and she lufs me."

i can't imagine not spending every minute with him. when the pea was born and i mostly stopped sleeping with the bean i missed him so much. and i was still spending all day with him. but i missed snuggling his tiny body (huge and lanky now compared to a newborn) all night long. i missed smelling him before i even opened my eyes in the morning.

it is true that i have a lot moments where i lose my temper, i am annoyed by his antics and button pushing and typical two year old behaviors. but under that i love him with something bigger then words. like his laugh is anchored right in the core of my heart. even his fake laugh. and as much as i want him to hurry up and get easier i want him to stop growing. each time he grows up he moves a little bit further away from me and this same freedom i yearn for makes my eyes tear up. his world is getting so much bigger then his mama. and i love him i love him i love him.

6. home is safe

everything takes longer with two. if i am trying to leave the house with them in the morning i have to start getting ready at least 45 minutes before i have to leave. 45 minutes! how insane does that sound. well, everyone needs a clean diaper (shout out for two in cloth mama's), shoes, coats, the chickpea needs to nurse, the bean needs a snack and rice milk packed, i need shoes and a coat. i have to pack the diaper bag with ten trillion things. and then there is the last minute decision by the bean, "i don't want to go. i want to stay home."

oh, ok, sure. fantastic.

there are a lot things i used to do or want to do that i just don't do because getting them both out of the house is such a bother. is that sad?

and then once we get out the door there is the managing. miss chickpea hates the car so we all have to listen to her holler and scream for however long we are in it. which means i try to keep us pretty close to home. so maybe we go to the bagel store. we get there and i get them out of the car and into the shop and get off everyone's coats and get chickpea wrapped on and find the beans car toy and his juice and sit him at the table and start to head up to the counter to order. but he wants to be held too. so i heft him onto a hip. and i wobble over to the counter pretending not to notice that everyone is looking at me holding both of my kids. then when it is time to leave and the bean throws a tantrum cause he doesn't want to go home and he wants to be carried to the car and on the way out i am carrying so much stuff i knock over a chair which draws even more attention to us i am thinking, "why did i leave home?"

staying home is safe. yes, maybe they watch too much tv and i feel completely cut off from the world and i spend too much time on my computer looking at pictures on facebook of people who actually do something besides parent. that may all be true. but i am hiding and it feels safe.

wait, why am i hiding? because i am afraid of struggling with my kids in public. i think people might not like the way i parent. i think i might get upset and people will see i am not so great at this after all. i might be too patient with them, or not patient enough, or too loud or not loud enough. people might think i am permissive. or mean.

so home is safe because no one is judging me. ah ha. well maybe safety isn't all it is cracked up to be. maybe i should just embrace myself and my kids and be willing to go out. even if i will only go places that are a 10 minute drive or less. because really, i cannot stand the screaming.

1. ready to go

i am a failed blogger. i love to start things but i don't ever seem to follow through. not that anyone in the world is upset that i stopped short. but, i am disappointed in myself. so it is with fearful trepidation that i start yet again. and tell myself i will, i must, i can, i shall, put something on the blog everyday for a year. a year! a year? i think i might delete that part but for now i will keep typing and see what happens. committing to a year of posting everyday sounds like i am setting myself up to fail. of course, if i believe i will fail then i will fail. if i ask my friends and family to support me in my endeavor they will say - why blog everyday?

about a million years ago when i was young and single and not a mama at all my brother gave me anne lamott's book bird by bird. i had aspirations when i was in high school of being an author (what ever was i thinking?) and he had discovered anne and thought i would appreciate her teachings. what i remember right now is that she said you have to write everyday. and also that she talked about taking a long time to set herself up to write, tea just so, a snack, the right light, comfy clothes, and then when she was all ready and everything was perfect she sat down in her writing room to stare at the blank screen and fret that she could not think of anything to say. maybe i am making this all up and someone else told that story. it has been probably ten years since i read the book and for three of them i have not had more then a few straight hours of sleep.

who ever said all that certainly didn't think that rambling around on blogger was writing everyday but i have to start somewhere. start and continue. so i am not going to delete it then. poop. (or poop on a rock as we say in my family.) i would already like to stop and let myself off the hook and be able to quit at any time and fall back into my current habit of being nothing but a mama.

my oldest, the bean, is two years and nine months old and i am really just realizing how i disappeared into the role and lost my sense of self. it is ok though. i have been a good mama to him, and now also to the chickpea who is almost six months old. but i think it would be nice if they could meet me as well as having all their needs met by their mama. if that makes a lick of sense.

for now i will let coffee and fig newmans sustain me and plan on checking in again tomorrow.