18. de-mad

bean and chickpea both sleeping at about 2.5 years and 6 weeks.

i think one of the reasons i do not come up with working on sleep plans is because i get mad so easily. and mad just does not help. if i am not trying, i am not failing, and i am not angry. when i try i feel like i am floundering around in the dark and nothing is working and i hate hate hate sucking at things. so i get really mad. mad like i am irrationally angry at my child because they are not that magical sleeping 7 month old. as though they are choosing not to sleep simply to taunt me. or to make sure i fail. or i lose. where does this anger come from?

i came up with a sleep plan the other day. it seemed like baby enough steps that i could do it without losing my mind. i ran the idea's past flash and my friend who also has two non-sleepers (we'll call her victory cause she has a serious vegetable garden green thumb that i am deeply jealous of) and they agreed that it sounded doable.

here is the plan:
1. try to get the chickpea to nap in her crib the first nap of the day. so, get her to sleep nursing and rocking. replace breast with paci. put her in the crib. when she wakes (usually somewhere between 20 - 40 mins) try to get her back to sleep and back in the crib. for her second (or subsequent) naps i am giving myself the freedom to try crib or just wear her depending on my mood and how i think she is doing.

2. have flash stay in the room while i get the bean to sleep at night. not that i leave or anything, or that flash takes over any part of our little love fest routine, but that he is in there.

i implemented the plan yesterday with what i view as HUGE success. so much success that i had to just use all caps and yell about it. chickpea napped for 35 mins, woke up, let me get her back to sleep relatively quickly, and slept in her crib for another 45 mins or so. woot!

at night i told the bean that dada was going to stay with us while we went to sleep. he said, "i don't want to sleep with daddy!" and i assured him "daddy is not sleeping with you he is just staying with us while we fall asleep and then he will leave." end of protest and the bean was asleep within ten minutes. another big woot.

so with all that early success under my belt i felt like things were going well. and i was thrilled and inspired. maybe this isn't so bad after all. then this morning chickpea had other ideas and only napped in her crib for about 30 mins. woke up. it took me about 30 mins to get her back to sleep. put her in her crib and she was awake in 4 minutes. yes, 4. i was mad. pissed. irate. in fact, i decided it was best not to go up and get her straight away because i was so mad. i waited until she started fussing and i had calmed down. then i promptly jumped on my chat and told victory "i am losing my mind this is not working!"

from an intellectual perspective and from reading all the sleep books i can see that it is totally insane to think that trying something new once is going to mean that everything changes and my kids are the sleepers of my dreams. yes, i get it. but the thing inside me that rises up like an snake uncoiling does not listen to the rational brain. it hisses and screams and bites and hurts. and i want to stomp it down and i want to feed it at the same time.

don't hear the wrong thing here. the snake is metaphor and i don't yell, scream or hurt my children. but i feel a level emotion that is verging on insane. where is it coming from? why am i fostering it in my body?

victory said, "if it is stressing you out this much why not back off?"

yes, that is an option. but there is work for me here and i want to face it. the work is to de-mad myself. to try to peak into the eyes of the snake and say, "hello friend. what is the message you have for me? what do i need to see, learn, face, honor, for this to change? how can i let go of the angry and just be patient and calm about the process?"

because doesn't it seem a little strange that i have the patience to parent two kids through several nightwakings each night and not to do a little bit of work on a nap? what is that about?

it feels like right thing to do is to talk to the anger. so lets try a little woo woo.

my intention is to communicate with the part of me that is angry in relation to my children and sleep. are you there for me to talk with?

yes.

ok, this anger feels big and powerful and like a fire energy. i feel scared of it. i am noticing those reactions. my heart feels tight and scared. i am scared of the angry part of myself and scared of the fire intensity.


fire, anger, i am scared of you.


yes. i know. but you do not need to fear me. i am power and i am your power. harness your power, hold it, use it in a way you like. don't hide from it.

it feels like i might be able to use the power to be strong and patient about sleep. about working on sleep. can i make that transformation? it also makes sense to me that i am afraid of the power, of the fire, of the anger. this fear is a repeating thing for me since i was intimately involved with someone who felt abusive to me. is working with you all a part of this healing process for me?

yes. of course. and yes, you can make that transformation. can and will.

and i don't need to make you disappear. i can be angry. it does not need to consume me though. i can say hello and then ask the power to change to something more useful to me.

you can't never be angry. and you cannot need the people in your life to never be angry. you need to develop a relationship with anger that is functional so that you care for your own anger correctly and in balance. otherwise it comes out fractured and directed as blame. blame does not serve you. but fire does serve you. feel the fire, listen to the fire, harness the fire, transform the anger. anger can be great energy. you just need to meet it and then shape it, clean it up, love it, turn it into love.

ok. so this is life work stuff. i get it when we are talking about it but i am guessing i won't pull it off all the time.

life work is good. maybe sleep is life work. things don't change in a day.

right. thank you for talking with me anger.

"angry me." i am a part of you not a separate teacher. that distinction is important for you.

thank you angry me. i am going to work on honoring my fire energy and my anger and focusing on my ability to harness and work with the energy as love.

ok. well there is the woo woo for today. i have to say, whenever i have doubted my attachment parenting style my woo woo brings me back to it. so for today i think i will keep working on the sleep changes and see how the work can be work for me on a spiritual level. try, get mad, say hi to mad, turn mad into love and patience and the ability to persevere, try again.

if anyone is still reading god bless ya!

16. sleep balancing

chickpea asleep in jorinde while i cook

some kids are born as sleepers. these kids shock and amaze me. i was reading a note written by a non-sleep training friend of mine that said that her 7 month old daughter falls asleep laying down holding her husbands hand each night. my eyes practically fell out of my head. what?!?

my kids seem to require sleep gymnastics. they are sleep fighters and they tend to wake at the end of each cycle. i wish i had the other kind often and i am really green with envy. but i do not. with the bean i killed myself obsessing about his sleep. he fought sleep, he woke every hour or two at night, and i bounced, held, wore, nursed him through all his naps trying to eek out five more minutes of sleep. because i was so worried about him being underslept.

when flash and i agreed to have a second child we said, "this one will be a sleeper" so many times it was like a prayer/obsession. guess what. she is not. i mean, she is a little but less sensitive to every little thing then my first was and she will sleep on her own for a few hours at the beginning of the night. but, she still usually requires sucking and movement to fall asleep, will really only go to sleep for mama, and does not nap more then 20 minutes or so if i put her down. i can't control the situation like i could with ds because i have him in the house with us. often i wear her for her naps and eventually his exuberance wakes her and she has, once again, napped for less then an hour.

with the bean i read the sears sleep book, the no cry sleep solution for babies and toddlers, and posted on several attachment parenting boards seeking advice. with the chick pea i am determined not to get obsessive about because that only leads to The Big Sleep Wars, which i still have with the bean. i want to just follow her lead and assume that if she is tired she will sleep. but, i also know she is not a "natural" sleeper and she needs some help to get enough sleep to be healthy and happy. so, i am seeking balance.

my dream, i rock and nurse her to sleep then put her down and she takes a two hour nap while i get stuff done around the house and play with the bean one on one. my reality...so far from that. i am thinking of trying the no cry nap solution. i also feel like i have a lot of ideas already from reading her other books but i am not sure if i am dependable enough to implement them.

there are benefits to her being able to sleep on me. i am mobile, i do not have to be home for naps, we are bonding, i LOVE babywearing.

there would be benefits to her napping on her own. i wouldn't worry that she is woken by her brother and that is unfair. i could get more done during the day.

i mostly feel lost and confused and unsure how to deal with things. there are so many sleep things i would like to be different i do not know where to begin and i also don't have the energy at that time of night to work on any of them.

bean: i wish he would do bedtime with someone besides me. like, his dad. that would be nice. i wish he would accept comfort from flash in the middle of the night. then i wouldn't be nighttime parenting two kids.

chickpea: i wish she would go to sleep for her dad too. i would like her to be a little more flexible in who comforts her eventually when she does not need to nurse for nourishment. i would like her to nap better.

which kid to focus on? how hard to work on it? how much to trust in time? how to focus without getting to the point of obsession and anger/frustration?

if any of you out there have this all figured out i'd love for you to come up with my plan.

2. by a thread

last night was not an easy one. i think at some point i got about an hour uninterrupted but most of the night it felt like one kid or another was up, wanting me to hold them, wanting to snuggle, needing a drink, needing milkies. the bean decided 5:50 was a good time to be up for the day. i spent a fair amount of time sleeping with both of them - crammed in between them sweaty and uncomfortable - and about the same amount of time walking between the two rooms trying to have them in different beds. i am tired, which is ok, and i am crabby, which i hate. i especially hate when i am crabby and i direct my crabbiness at them. like they chose to wake up, like they decided what style of nighttime parenting i would use, like it is someone's "fault" that my kids don't sleep. i really want to find someone to blame. wouldn't that be nice?

in this state i don't know what to do so i guess it makes the most sense to turn to some more grounded and loving guides.

dear grandmother, what can i do to feel better? is there a lesson here? am i on the right path?

hello my daughter. sit with me and let my energy hold you. you have spent a lot of yourself caring for your children in the last few weeks. reach out to the universe and ask to be filled back up. the crabbiness you feel is like a depletion. yes, perhaps you can look for ways to support your body through sleepless nights but all around you is what you need. free floating energy, happy to help you be stronger if you can take a moment of peace to ask for it, to invite help in. you told your mother, and then your friend, to be nice to themselves. be nice to yourself. seek out your own healing. love yourself. trust that you are doing well and right and that everything is truly and deeply ok. remember that love is energy pure, white, and strong. do you lack love?

not at all.

let yourself feel how that love fills you and creates joy.

don't get caught up in why me. why me leads you nowhere. self pity sticks you in the mud. transform those thoughts and you will be learning more from parenting. you often come to me and ask "am i doing this right?" and i always tell you that you are. and so i will continue to tell you. walk your path and be proud and true and feel how love sustains you. don't be in a hurry. don't rush to hear answers. sit and breath. pray. breath. pray. breath. pray.

smile.

yes.

is there more i should be thinking about today or now?

transformation. transforming energy. you can feel anger, crabbiness, frustration. these things arise. say hello. honor their presence in your experience of reality for a moment or two. sit with them fully. then ask that they be transformed. ask for love to transform them, ask for me to transform them, ask for the divine to transform them. feel them change and morph into something that helps to heal yourself and the world. let your children in on the process.

and eat chocolate?

humor is fine.

thank you. thank you. good bye.


well the weight is lifted some. and although it is still raining outside i can imagine wanting to go outside where the bean is doing barn chores with gran gran. it feels like i might be done hiding and trying to escape. that is always a step in the right direction for me. and maybe i can have a cookie before i go...while no one is looking.