25. i make cream

chickpea at 6.5 months

knees? what knees? those funny little fat dimples half way down her legs? here she is in all her chubby monkey glory. my last baby. exclusively breastfed up to this point. not a single drop of anything else. she is made from the best stuff on earth. and like the bean, she came out a normal size (they were 7.6 and 7.12) and very quickly became huge. if my scale is at all accurate she is verging on the 20lb mark at this point. flash said to me one day, "i think i am going to have a t-shirt made for you that says, 'i make cream.' you must to make them grow like this!"

although flash and i have not always agreed on every moment of parenting he has been an unflagging supporter of my nursing relationship with both kids. he never once asked me when the bean would wean. when the bean was nearing 1.5 years and i was getting uncomfortable nursing in public flash encouraged me to be full of pride and not shame. when i nursed the bean through my pregnancy he never ever asked me if it was ok for the baby he just asked me if i'd had enough to eat. when i got blanketed on the plane he said the flight attendant was lucky he was not with me. he has always assured me that i am feeding them the best stuff on earth and they are blessed to have it.

within the next week or so we will offer the pea some solid food to try. we are thinking we might go for a sweet potato cut into tiny cubes she could grab and self feed. and if she does grab it and eat it i will watch with joy and overwhelming sadness. there goes my baby. my last baby. eating a food my body did not produce. and taking the first step towards her eventual weaning. growing up faster then i can keep track of. and while i am distracted by how to make it through the day, or how to keep her spirited brother happy, she has been getting older bit by bit. she doesn't sleep all day. she pushes up on her hands. she needs the bigger pacifier. she gets too distracted to nurse. she stands in her exersaucer. she drops her toys. she can almost sit on her own. and sometime soon she will eat a sweet potato, or an avocado, and she will still nurse but things will have shifted.

this moment always feels so big to me. so emotionally charged. she is nursing but she is weaning (even if it takes her three years). she still needs me but she also doesn't. she is still made of me but not totally. she is still a baby but i will blink twice and she will be a toddler. and my days of having a baby will be over. and my sweet sweet girl will be a growing up kid.

today though, she is a little under the weather. and instead of wishing she would let me put her down i am thrilled that she wants me. that she cries when i put her down. and does her little hyperventilating shaky limbs thing that comes with her cry. and looks at me with wide eyes, "mama!" she is still my baby now. sweet sweet sleeping in simon stuffy nose baby. with the fattest legs we have ever seen. bless those fat fat legs. bless my baby.


  1. Your most made me cry. I've been completely ignoring the food issue so far, but sooner or later I must face it. I love knowing the DD is completely nourished by my body and that everything she is has come through my body. Yes, maybe I need to feel needed, but it's more than that. It's the best and the safest food I can give her. Soon we have to enter the world of food. I know that she will continue to nurse, but never again will I know for certain that she is getting 100% of what she needs in one stop.

    I guess that new chapter must start sooner or later. Soon I'll just be a snack bar and cuddle station instead of a full service stop. :)

  2. I had mixed feelings over the end of exclusive breastfeeding. On one hand, I was sad about the end of an era. And on the other hand, I was glad to see him take the first tiny steps into some kind of "independence".

    Have you heard of Baby-led Weaning method of introducing solids? That is what we have done and it felt much more "natural" to me.

  3. Robin, this was so sweet. You brought tears to my eyes, made my heart swell! I totally get these feelings - as my baby is about to turn one (and not knowing if she is my last) I am excited for her to enter into these new stages but sad to see my baby get older. Motherhood is such a beautiful gift - when we can manage to take the time to appreciate it.

    I am loiving your blog, girl! Keep it up!