32. wishing

chickpea napping in pfau

i am on my ball bouncing and the pea is asleep in our black cherry dyed violet and white pfau. (this wrap is insanely beautiful thanks to the dye job by jenn over at piece of cloth. and jenn totally rocks, she is sweet as pie and amazing to work with...but i digress as a wrap addict will now and again.) i need to get a good pic of this wrap but for the moment i think i'll pick up my camera and try to shoot a quickie of us. ok, i think that one will do for today. 

so much for not digressing.

while i am on here just bouncing my life away and also looking at other people's gorgeous blogs and doing a lot of wishing the bean is being a saint. a saint i tell you. he is playing quietly with his toys and occasionally asking me in his best whisper voice if i will help him go pick out another car or plane to play with. he has amassed quite a pile here in the living room but i could care less because, as i said, he is being a saint.

so saintly in fact, that i looked over there a few minutes ago and my eyes actually filled up with tears. tears of longing. longing for the ability to be the most perfect mama ever for him. which some part of my brain thinks i was before i had the pea and thinks i now fail at. and he is so amazing, and special, and precious. i wish i had not asked him to be quiet because the pea was rejecting the nap in crib plan. i wished i was laying on the floor driving his cars with him. i can't believe how amazing he can be. so, i had to cry a little bit. for the bean mama union that used to be. it was something special. and it is over. that is hard sometimes.

now because this is getting a little too upsetting for me for today i think i will list off my wishes for my blog that have been accumulating as i look around the web.

i want a logo.
i want a site not powered by blogger (sorry blogger - no fault of yours).
i want my pics to upload and look good not like crap because i have a nice camera and it stinks to upload my pics and have them look like i never got my nice camera.
i want my own domain name.
i want to make banners.
i might want a tag line.
i want a place that helps me to take my writing more seriously.
oh, and i don't want to lose any of my content i have already amassed.

ok universe? there is my wish list. can you make it happen?

10. ok so i was right

i always think that one of the reasons i was drawn to a certain style of parenting is because of the nature of my first born. the bean is a special one. from the start he has been very sensitive and easily upset. this meant holding and wearing him a lot when he was a baby as well as seeing the benefits of extended nursing and cosleeping and all that fun. as he gets a bit older it has also meant finding the right style of discipline. i hesitate to even use that word because i think discipline in our culture often is synonymous with punishment and that doesn't work around here. what i mean is finding a consistent, fair, and respectful way to teach him about limits, boundaries, safety, and the world out there.

right now the chickpea is going through another phase where she will only nap if i hold her or wear her and i have gotten into the habit of turning on some music and putting her in the wrap and staying out in the main living area with the bean while she sleeps. but sometimes he decides he wants to be loud (probably because i ask him not to be) or that he wants to wake her up and play with her and things don't go the way i would like them to. today he was pulling some serious 2.9 year old antics when i was trying to have her nap. he has this tricycle he rides around the house down here and somehow he decided to fall off it and fake cry repeatedly, louder and louder, until i asked him to shhhhh, and then he did a few more times louder for good measure until chickpea woke up.

to be brutally honest i was annoyed. we were having a good day up until this moment and i sort of felt like what he was doing was unfair. i took the chickpea off and put her in a safe spot with some toys and asked him to come talk to me in his room. once in there things went kind of like this:

me: i need you to be quiet when chickpea is napping on me ok?
b: no.
me: i know it is hard but if she does not sleep she is cranky. she needs her sleep. i am mad because you woke her up. do you understand?
b: no no no. i want her to wake up.
me: i don't want her to wake up . i want her to sleep. when you wake her up it makes me mad.
b: no i want her to wake up so i can play with her.
me: next time she is sleeping can you please be quiet. if you don't think you can be quiet then i guess that i will take chickpea to another room so she can sleep and you can be alone.
b: no.
me: you understand that waking her up makes me mad?
b is now rolling around on the bed giggling.
me: i love you even when i am mad at you.
more giggling
me: everything is gong to be ok. but i would really like it if you could be quiet.

we went back out to the main living area and within five minutes something had set him off and was in a full on crying melt down. i tried to be calm and patient. a lot of i love you's. a lot of "this is hard. i am sorry this is hard. you are doing your best. being mad is ok. crying is ok. i love you." and so on. he carried on and on. eventually i took him to his room so he could cry in there. i asked if he wanted to play? nonononononono. i told him i was ready to play with him or have a snack and juice with him when he was ready so come find me. he said ok. awhile later i went and got him. we had a snack and were getting ready to go outside. i told him i had to use the bathroom before we went out. he said, "i will come with you." ok.

"i will come with you or else you will be mad and you will be all alone."

ouch. i know my bean and i know he was telling me what he heard me say earlier was that i was mad at him and i was going to make him be all alone.

and really it is not fair of me to ask him to be quiet enough not to wake her up. that is an unrealistic expectation for his age. and then to tell him i am mad and make him feel like i will make him be all alone because of it. when all he wanted was some attention.

so in the bathroom was like this:

b: i will come with you or else you will be mad and you will be all alone.
me: oh beanie, i love you. i messed up. i am sorry. i am not mad at you. i love you.

the tiniest nuances matter with this kid of mine. and i will keep trying to remember that he was born to me for a reason. and that i don't need to parent him how other people parent other kids. and that respecting his emotions and limitations is not the same as being permissive. so we went outside and played. and now i am holding z on the bed while she sleeps and he is in the next room over watching a show and for today this is ok.

7. bean thoughts

he is growing up. maybe he doesn't sleep through the night much. he likes to be held still. he would often prefer that i feed him. but he is growing up. it is undeniable. in my weaker moments i want them both to hurry up and be older. i dream of life being easier. i want a break from being constantly needed by everyone. i want him to be more like other kids his age who need less. in my weaker moments i have wishes that the time will pass more quickly.

in clearer moments when i can really see him how he is now i am shocked and amazed. touched and feeling slippery sad emotions. he is not my baby anymore. he hasn't nursed since the day the chickpea was born. he says things like "i found the perfect shoes." he plays quietly with tape and paper for ten minutes or more. his face has changed to that of a little boy. when we get home from SC he will be starting preschool two mornings a week. he can use a fork and the pepper grinder. he runs "super fast" without falling so much, he kicks a bigger ball "so far." he laughs at his own jokes, just like his mama does.

i had no idea he was going to be such a consistently kind and caring older brother. the first thing he says to me many mornings is, "chickpea is up? can i give her hugs and kisses? put her here next to me so i can snuggle her." i can get in the shower and leave them alone together without worrying what he will do. he says, "i luf chickpea and she lufs me."

i can't imagine not spending every minute with him. when the pea was born and i mostly stopped sleeping with the bean i missed him so much. and i was still spending all day with him. but i missed snuggling his tiny body (huge and lanky now compared to a newborn) all night long. i missed smelling him before i even opened my eyes in the morning.

it is true that i have a lot moments where i lose my temper, i am annoyed by his antics and button pushing and typical two year old behaviors. but under that i love him with something bigger then words. like his laugh is anchored right in the core of my heart. even his fake laugh. and as much as i want him to hurry up and get easier i want him to stop growing. each time he grows up he moves a little bit further away from me and this same freedom i yearn for makes my eyes tear up. his world is getting so much bigger then his mama. and i love him i love him i love him.