32. wishing

chickpea napping in pfau

i am on my ball bouncing and the pea is asleep in our black cherry dyed violet and white pfau. (this wrap is insanely beautiful thanks to the dye job by jenn over at piece of cloth. and jenn totally rocks, she is sweet as pie and amazing to work with...but i digress as a wrap addict will now and again.) i need to get a good pic of this wrap but for the moment i think i'll pick up my camera and try to shoot a quickie of us. ok, i think that one will do for today. 

so much for not digressing.

while i am on here just bouncing my life away and also looking at other people's gorgeous blogs and doing a lot of wishing the bean is being a saint. a saint i tell you. he is playing quietly with his toys and occasionally asking me in his best whisper voice if i will help him go pick out another car or plane to play with. he has amassed quite a pile here in the living room but i could care less because, as i said, he is being a saint.

so saintly in fact, that i looked over there a few minutes ago and my eyes actually filled up with tears. tears of longing. longing for the ability to be the most perfect mama ever for him. which some part of my brain thinks i was before i had the pea and thinks i now fail at. and he is so amazing, and special, and precious. i wish i had not asked him to be quiet because the pea was rejecting the nap in crib plan. i wished i was laying on the floor driving his cars with him. i can't believe how amazing he can be. so, i had to cry a little bit. for the bean mama union that used to be. it was something special. and it is over. that is hard sometimes.

now because this is getting a little too upsetting for me for today i think i will list off my wishes for my blog that have been accumulating as i look around the web.

i want a logo.
i want a site not powered by blogger (sorry blogger - no fault of yours).
i want my pics to upload and look good not like crap because i have a nice camera and it stinks to upload my pics and have them look like i never got my nice camera.
i want my own domain name.
i want to make banners.
i might want a tag line.
i want a place that helps me to take my writing more seriously.
oh, and i don't want to lose any of my content i have already amassed.

ok universe? there is my wish list. can you make it happen?

30. talking to the nethers

rhyson - because guides are all around us

if you are in the inner circle of my inner circle then you might know that my behind likes to give me trouble when my life is out of whack. while, if you are on the inner inner or if you happen to read my blog today. yeesh. do i have no shame? well, lets just continue down this path and use some mild language. my backside is very opinionated and prone to discomfort. i will leave it at that. along with regular chiropractic work to keep me aligned i have come to find that if the backside is sending me a pain message there is probably some part of my life that needs a changin'. when the butt talks, i try to listen.

lately it seems that the nether region has plans for me so i thought i might take moment today to just open up and listen and see what i might learn. i will let my fingers do the work and try to leave the brain out of it. just connect with the great light and see what i can hear. so, read on if you are on for some behind inspired woowoo.

ok divine white light. i think i am supposed to get some teaching or a teacher today and i think i am supposed to write to find my way. i also happen to be eating some really yummy cereal and i don't want it to get soggy so i hope you don't mind me doing both. i would really like for there to be less pain in my life. and i would like some help with that.

ask for healing.

oh. ah ha. that sounds like a pretty obvious thing i could be doing.

be grateful for the healing once you ask for it. you don't have to wait for an answer to be grateful. you used this the other day nicely. keep working on asking and saying thank you in the same breath. shows deep belief.

and remember your guides are active all around you all the time. there is always a blue bird, a tree, the spirits of your land, the sun and wind and snow and air, and light. everything is a teacher when you listen. you need to bust your butt to listen more. open open open up.

divine white light makes puns?

if that is what you need to learn. i am the intention you are the translation. but you could stop trying to entertain. that is not the work. and you will not find the joy in that. the connections would be false and break easily. reach deeper than that and those who need to hear you will. and maybe only you need to hear you. clarity, joy, work, is not about a crowd. giving is good but collecting a following is not your calling. your body is trying to tell you to stay on the right path. anytime you feel lost, you just ask and we are here to help lead you back. and you will get lost and fall off because that is living but the lesson is to keep learning how to listen, how to ask for and receive help, not just laugh at yourself.

also, there are two different things here. not everything you write has to be about or for your spiritual work. processing, laughing, humor, sharing anxiety. that is ok for you too. but not at the expense of the light. this is the message. you can't drop the one to do the other. hold both and you are balanced.

i want to do it all. i want to cook and clean, to write and exercise, and do art with the bean, and teach pea to nap in her crib, and go on dates with flash. but it just feels like there is not time and i don't know how to do it all.

ok, keep working on it. keep asking for help. keep trying different mixes different days. i am not here to plan your daily life but i am here to support you and help you struggle in a way that is joyous instead of sinking. breathing is always good. and laughter. and time staring into their eyes and smiling. connecting. take it from that base and build up.

and i will ask for healing. thank you.

peace.

28. 10:28am going to go looking for a blue bird feeling.

bean, chickpea, flash - just because

around 10:15 i got to thinking that i needed some kind of a lift this morning. then i got into a chat with a friend on facebook. someone who i trust to help direct me. lets call her the witch of the west. not the wicked one though. this one is pretty cool. we help each other a fair amount with spiritual kinds of work and though our belief systems are similar our go to tools are pretty different. lets just say, to be simple, she specializes in clear yes or no answers and i tend to drone on and on and on.

so, below is our chatsky. you might notice i am in a spirited kind of mood this morning:

10:22am
woowoo: trying to decide what to blog about
i need a lift.
can you find out who i should talk to?
grandmother?
a power animal?
sofia?
lucky?
eli?
i feel like i need to chat with someone to perk me up a bit
are you even still there?

wotw:
you need to talk to a guide
a new guide
go find it

woowoo:
great
thanks
note dripping sarcasm
can you find it and tell me?

wotw:
yoru welcome, i'm starving, goin to go eat now...

woowoo:
hey!
that is so unfair!

wotw:
??

woowoo:
i didn't want to do that much work
lol
just hand me the guide and i'll do the chat

wotw:
no journey, just talk

woowoo:
how do i find the guide w/o a journey
just ask someone i already know?

wotw:
i can help

woowoo:
u r hungry

wotw:
i an wiat

woowoo:
are you sure

wotw:
i can wait

woowoo:
u can't type anymore
that is extreme fatigue

wotw:
yep
this is fun

woowoo:
ok ok
so maybe eli?
or is the guide in spirit only?

wotw:
not mentioned above
both

woowoo:
is the guide in this world?
the middle world?

wotw:
both spirit and physical

woowoo:
is it an animal?

wotw:
lower
no

woowoo:
person?

wotw:
bird
blue bird

woowoo:
a bird i have met before in reality?

wotw:
lives near your house
go for a walk

woowoo:
can i go for a virtual walk?
i am wearing sleeping baby

wotw:
have to go outside
can wear baby

woowoo:
ok, well have to wait

wotw:
will not see it
but will feel it
not talk, just feel
it will cheer you up

woowoo:
so like looking out the window doesn't count

wotw:
no

woowoo:
can you tell i am a wise ass today?
ok will do
there goes blog idea though
thanks!

wotw:
you can try to put the feeling into words
that'll be a good exercise!

woowoo:
yes later
ok

wotw:
now, can i eat?

woowoo:
ummmmmmmm
oh kay
fine



10:28am
woowoo:
like status update?


you know what the great thing about the world is? i didn't even go out walking yet, and i already feel like a huge chunk of grump has been removed from my general area. just thinking about what it will feel like i can already feel it...thank you blue bird. i will still come out to find you. i am so glad that my life changed and i found my connection to the universe. it makes the living so much more glorious.

22. a day

it is that day when you want to say you are having a really bad day. but what you should say is that you have to be creative today. truly outrageously creative. and relaxed. and not mind your dirty dirty teeth. or juggling two crying kids. or wiping snot off everything but the source because he won't let you near him. and you are tired because he doesn't sleep when he is sick. and you want to moan and cry yourself but you stuff it down. or let it out. i don't know. i want help. i wish my mom was home.

right now the pea is asleep on me. after her morning nap being interrupted by her hysterical older brother crying and sobbing and carrying on for about an hour. i am not sure if he is so sick he is a mess or just so tired from being up most of the night. or if he is just himself. he wants me all to himself because he is not feeling good and he has to share me which is pretty much the end of his little world. honestly, i wish i could just take care of him too. but as i told him, i am her mama too. and they both need me now.

when she wakes up i want to get dressed. and brush my teeth. and floss. and eat lunch. it is 12:20. maybe i need a second coffee. maybe i should throw them in the car and drive to trader joes listening to her cry the whole way because she hates the car just to feel like i did something. maybe pizza is a good answer for dinner.

maybe.
may be.
may i be.
calm.
serene.
loving.
peaceful.
patient.
happy.
may i be.

21. are you like me?

the bean aping his baby doll this fall

i don't have a lot of real life friends who are parenting in the same way i am. i have a few fantastic friends here in town, and they are very kind and wonderful parents, but there are differences in the way we deal with sleep or nursing or whatever. just differences. and different is fine but sometimes it is just nice to spend time with someone who parents like you do. i had no idea it was going to feel so - lonely - when i started making some of the decisions i made. but it does. and sometimes i go places that feel "cruchier" or something and i am looking around thinking, "are any of these people ap?"

today we tried a new class. it is at a yoga studio near me and it is called mommy & me yoga. the teacher is there with her daughter who seems about 3 or 4 to me. then there were two other women there with 3 or 4 year old girls and two newer mom's there with babies. i was there with my two, chickpea on the mat grabbing her toes and smiling at everyone and the bean who did not want to leave the house (i promised he could eat cheddar quakes in the car) or walk to the studio (i said i would race him and hold both his hands) or go into the room (i pulled out his bob toys and drove them in in a little parade of bobness to encourage him). then he sat in the corner near me with his toys averting his eyes and not participating. which is ok.

so during the class i was trying to make both my kids happy and have fun while also keeping my eyes peeled for signs, hints, as to other parenting methods in the room. because, if you are at the yoga studio you might be ap. you just might. especially if you are the teacher, right? she certainly seems to be into gentle discipline. i mean, her little one is kind of pushing the buttons and she is using that tone i recognize so well. the "i kind of want to strangle you but that will get us nowhere so i am going to be calm and even and kind and i am digging down deep to find my loving peaceful self" voice.

but my point is more, there i am, looking looking looking. and in my head i am thinking, "are any of you ap? like me? ap?" i wish there was some kind of pin we wore, or a hand shake. someway to just feel a little less like i am the only one walking this path right now. not that i would have an instant friend just because they were ap. or that i would love them. but it would be nice to feel a little more normal. and maybe i would feel a little more normal if i spent less time chatting online with my ap friends who live all over the united states and beyond and more time talking it out with people who i could see and smell and touch. if i wanted to do those things.

not to be overly poor me or anything but sometimes it just gets a little tiresome feeling like the only freak in town. and that is because i sleep with my kids and nursed through my pregnancy and don't believe in time outs. what if they also knew i communicated telepathically with animals. and took advice from spirit friends. and think i can talk to my friend's dead uncle. what if i just wore myself on my sleeve and said, "this is me. take me as i am." i wonder what that would feel like and how it would be. and if i would still spend all this secretive energy glancing about furtively wondering, "are you like me?"

i know there are enough of us out there to keep several chat boards busy. but there don't seem to be enough in my area to even keep the attachment parenting international support group going. the old leaders moved about two years ago and the yahoo group kind of dribbles on with a post every three months or so and no one stepping up to lead. i have been thinking that maybe leading a local api group is something i could do. but, first i have to read some more books and then pay a fee to start it and so on. i think that is another post entirely.

i also think i need some black tea. or another coffee. because i can't even feel awake enough to write this. but for the sake of anne i am staying at the screen. you know what is kind of amazing? i have put a post up every day since i said i would. now, that is a pretty active blog for a freak huh?

alright few brave readers. lets go binge on sugar, or caffeine, or potato chips, and find an online friend to compare bad nights with. yikes. peace. love. joy.

19. the worst kind of ramblings

a gratuitous pic of me and the pea in woolie aare

the most amazing thing happened today. when little miss pea woke up from her nap after about 40 minutes and i was rocking her back to sleep, and i wasn't sure if it would work, i started to feel a little angry. and i said, hi strong fire in me. and i felt, integrated and whole and totally in the present and powerful and strong and not mad at all. i know not each moment or attempt will be that powerful but, dang! rock on universe!

i need to be working on a lot of grocery lists right now. so i am kind of feeling a little guilty about using the "down time" to blog. although, i am not sure meal planning counts as down time. this is one of those things a mama thinks about. is it indulgent to blog while my youngest sleeps and my older has a moment of "bob?" should i be making lists, doing dishes, lanolinizing the clean wool? when is it ok to say, oh yeah the house is a mess and the lunch dishes are in the sink and i still have not finished unpacking our bags from the trip south but i'll just bounce and blog anyway? how much time do you take to yourself when your job has no time boundaries and is never ending all day and all night every day and every night?

steph over at adventures in babywearing was writing in kind of a similar vein the other day and i happened to catch her post. i am always torn on this stuff. because really this is The Thing i want to be doing with my life right now. being home with my kids feels like the biggest blessing the universe divine love ever bestowed on me sometimes. i mean, i would be a million times over miserable if i was one of those amazing and dedicated work out of home mama's. but at the same time, i kind of want a lunch break. with another adult. somewhere that does not involve sitting far enough away from my food that baby pea can't grab it. wouldn't that be...amazing? and wouldn't it be kind of nice to leave work for the day? like, here i am arriving at work and then leaving work? no like each minute of each day of each week of each month of each year i am at work. but, then, since i am a stay at home mom it is ok to say about me, "oh no she doesn't work."

i don't know. right now i am sitting on the ball blogging while the pea sweats her sweet six month old sweat all over my collar bone where her chunky cheek is resting and i can feel her breath blowing in and out as she travels through her phases of sleep and i am not staring at some kind of monitor hoping to catch her before she wakes so i can try to get her back to sleep in her crib. we are in a nice simon hug, because i am breaking lovely simon in for my dear dear friend mellowmama. really there are only a few more months, maybe a year if i am lucky, when i will get to do this. i love wearing my kids in a didymos. i love feeling their slack body snoozing on me. or having my hands free to push the cart around the grocery store while they are tied tightly onto my back.

mellowmama also loves wrapping her kidlets but she does not like breaking in new wraps. and since she is my bff and i would do almost anything for her i am honored to be the totally spoiled person who gets to play with her brand new didy and make it soft and snuggly enough for her taste. mellowmama and i met through the internet which is kind of insane and i would think only a crazy person would find a best friend on the internet. but, it happened to me. she has two boys about a year apart in age, she is an "attachment parenting" mama (that sound so silly), and she is the queen of patience and go with the flow. when i feel like i am going to make my brain explode because i want things different and i want it now and i need everything to be Just So i can call her and say, "how do i make my kids like your kids?" because her kids sleep, and don't have hour long tantrums, and let her go places. and she will talk me down and remind me how to follow their lead and that they are kids, babies, and they need time and they need their parents to be calm not stressing out. mellowmama. godblessher, she has talked me off several cliffs. oh, and into several large diaper purchases. but, that is all a part of the package. and i like the package.

i can't even imagine what the title of this should be since i am pretty much just blathering on. and i ought to say a sincere "i am sorry" to my six (six!!!!!!) followers who are probably bored to tears by now. because following my brain on it journey around the last twenty minutes has been pretty full of words without a lot of content. so to speak. although if you clicked the link you got to see a picture of a really pretty wrap. that kind of thing always makes me feel good so maybe just that was worth your time. isn't it funny how no matter how much i do not want to care about things they still cheer me up immensely. like, a wrap can make me go from storming around the house to holding both kids and doing the hokey pokey. just because it is a wrap and i like it so so so so so much. never mind a cute girly fitted tush or a sbish soaker. i love some stuff here.

but to my credit, i loved the moment this morning more. the powerful me being right here moment. so, i guess i am not all bad.

17. my hands smell like poop

some of my favorite tush cloth dipes

i mean, not like my hands are a stench and i can smell them when they are resting in my lap. but, when i put them up to my face i can smell poop. i always wash them well after a diaper change but somehow the scent can linger. it is the kind of thing that would have been disgusting before i had children but now it seems like, well, not the best thing ever but just part of my life.

before i had children i had relationships with other people my age to obsess about. say, friends or boyfriends, and then my husband. i had this habit of kind of disappearing into the relationship for awhile, then realizing the "me" part had ceased to exist, and trying to refind myself. so, i am doing that now i realize. when my son was born i just kind of disappeared into being his mother. and i love it, and i love being a mama to two, but i want more too.

one thing i want is to be able to leave my kids with a sitter i trust while i spend some one on one time with my husband, or with myself, or with a friend. the experience of finding a sitter has not been easy for me and has caused a lot of stress on my little family unit. the bean is not a kid who takes kindly to being left with people. and, instead of slowly chipping away at that while he was young i froze in the face of the struggle and did nothing about it. now he is almost three and still the only person i can just leave him with is my mom. which is fine except that she is not near us 6 months out of the year so during all that time we've got nothing. when the bean was about 15 months old i found a sitter i liked and slowly we got to the point where we could leave him with her for an hour or two. i am not even talking about someone being able to do bedtime or anything. just that we can walk out the door without being called back home ten minutes later.

that sitter had to go to college and that coincided with us moving and me having the chickpea and the next two sitters i tried i didn't think i could leave him with. i tried once and a meltdown ensued and i got the call to return. now the whole idea of finding a sitter and getting to the point where we can go out feels like a Really Big Deal. so it terrifies me. so i freeze up.

i have decided that frozen is getting me nowhere so i need to at least move one little baby foot forward just the tiniest bit. if that is all i can do that is ok but there has to be some movement. so, instead of worrying that my kids can't do it, or that their inability is going to make my husband angry or disappointed, or that i will upset everyone by trying, i am going to make a call or two. maybe we can try to have bagels one morning. and if they both cry and we have to come home then at least i tried. and i can try again, and again, and again, until we eat our bagels. and then maybe we can try a dinner. ok, typing that sentence put me back in freak out mode because i know how much my flash would love that and i know how far it feels from the kids being cool with it. so i think i'll back back down to bagels. bagels. bagels are good. fattening but good.

somewhere between "this is terrible i want to be able to get away for a week alone" and "they are only young once so i never need any me time" is the place i want to be. i wish that spot was easier to find and felt less volatile to me. i wish i could find the tiny little baby steps that took me there instead of feeling like it is all big test about whether my parenting choices were "right" or "wrong." i wish that flash and i could both embrace attachment parenting and still sit together over a nice bottle of red and hold hands. and look into eachothers eyes. and he could tell me, "your hands smell like poop."

16. sleep balancing

chickpea asleep in jorinde while i cook

some kids are born as sleepers. these kids shock and amaze me. i was reading a note written by a non-sleep training friend of mine that said that her 7 month old daughter falls asleep laying down holding her husbands hand each night. my eyes practically fell out of my head. what?!?

my kids seem to require sleep gymnastics. they are sleep fighters and they tend to wake at the end of each cycle. i wish i had the other kind often and i am really green with envy. but i do not. with the bean i killed myself obsessing about his sleep. he fought sleep, he woke every hour or two at night, and i bounced, held, wore, nursed him through all his naps trying to eek out five more minutes of sleep. because i was so worried about him being underslept.

when flash and i agreed to have a second child we said, "this one will be a sleeper" so many times it was like a prayer/obsession. guess what. she is not. i mean, she is a little but less sensitive to every little thing then my first was and she will sleep on her own for a few hours at the beginning of the night. but, she still usually requires sucking and movement to fall asleep, will really only go to sleep for mama, and does not nap more then 20 minutes or so if i put her down. i can't control the situation like i could with ds because i have him in the house with us. often i wear her for her naps and eventually his exuberance wakes her and she has, once again, napped for less then an hour.

with the bean i read the sears sleep book, the no cry sleep solution for babies and toddlers, and posted on several attachment parenting boards seeking advice. with the chick pea i am determined not to get obsessive about because that only leads to The Big Sleep Wars, which i still have with the bean. i want to just follow her lead and assume that if she is tired she will sleep. but, i also know she is not a "natural" sleeper and she needs some help to get enough sleep to be healthy and happy. so, i am seeking balance.

my dream, i rock and nurse her to sleep then put her down and she takes a two hour nap while i get stuff done around the house and play with the bean one on one. my reality...so far from that. i am thinking of trying the no cry nap solution. i also feel like i have a lot of ideas already from reading her other books but i am not sure if i am dependable enough to implement them.

there are benefits to her being able to sleep on me. i am mobile, i do not have to be home for naps, we are bonding, i LOVE babywearing.

there would be benefits to her napping on her own. i wouldn't worry that she is woken by her brother and that is unfair. i could get more done during the day.

i mostly feel lost and confused and unsure how to deal with things. there are so many sleep things i would like to be different i do not know where to begin and i also don't have the energy at that time of night to work on any of them.

bean: i wish he would do bedtime with someone besides me. like, his dad. that would be nice. i wish he would accept comfort from flash in the middle of the night. then i wouldn't be nighttime parenting two kids.

chickpea: i wish she would go to sleep for her dad too. i would like her to be a little more flexible in who comforts her eventually when she does not need to nurse for nourishment. i would like her to nap better.

which kid to focus on? how hard to work on it? how much to trust in time? how to focus without getting to the point of obsession and anger/frustration?

if any of you out there have this all figured out i'd love for you to come up with my plan.

15. day of birth

i have been thinking lately that maybe i complain too much. maybe i focus too much on how hard things are having two kids and trying to get it all right. really, if you asked me what i wanted to have on the day i turned 31 i would have basically described the life i have now. not a lot of people are blessed enough to say that. i want a husband who i love, i want two kids, and i want to take care of them everyday. plus i have a beautiful house, and my health, and a great relationship with my parents, and some good friends, and a super great cat. so, for now at least, i want to just try to feel lucky and not tired. may everyone in the world wake up one day and realize that life is full of blessings.

14. mind numb

cough cough
coffee up my nose
no no no no no.

home
excited kids
dirty rugs
no sleep.

cloth dipes!
cloth wipes!
eva, pfau, and cassis waves!

diapers to fold
fridge to scour
shopping to do
what is for lunch?

quick, hide on the internet!
no one will find you here.
you can wear your pj's.
no one knows your teeth are not brushed at 10:22.
no one knows you turned the tv on so bean would stay quiet.
no one else is here to see the mess your life is.
you don't have to get anything done.

make more coffee.
pull up your socks woman.
stop your ranting.
be. do. something.

13. what if i get lonely?

well, the blogging continues but i have been thinking about it some. what i like and don't like about the process. i have spent a fair amount of time on this one parenting board i like and there when i type something out people tend to respond. which i like. it is like knowing people are listening. or, maybe even more embarassingly important to me, knowing people like me enough to read what i said and give a little shout back. here, in the land of my blog, i get to say a lot more and wax on and on without worrying about how long it would take someone to read and if i am making a good point. but, then, it is a little lonely hearing the way the words just bounce around the empty cavern of my blog.

i have been temped several times to ask people, "pleeeeeeaaaaaase will you leave me a comment if you read?" somehow that might soothe my terrified ego. my sister in law offered to try to help me put some kind of a counting device on here so i can see if people visited because i asked her if it was possible. then even if no one actually writes a comment i will still be able to see a little number that says someone was here. but, did they read? or wait, maybe it was just me stopping by to see if anyone was here? help me i think i might be lonely. and terribly insecure. and completely open to begging for feedback that sounds something like this, "hey woo woo i think you are ok."

wow, you have to love how just the act of blogging for a few days has brought a number of my neurosis to the surface for examination. here are the two voices in my head:

1. ok let's take a minute to write about why we care if people like us. and let's figure out how to feel ok about ourself even if no one ever reads this blog. ever.

2. well here we have the perfect opening to ask people to leave a comment so we are not lonely! why would we spend our time saying we are ok? then people might be here and read that and not say hi and we will still be lonely. what is wrong with you 1?!?

i had a pretty spot-on supervisor at my internship site back when i was working on my masters degree (an unfinished thing) who noticed my fear of being alone pretty early on. he also knew about how i was interested in working with my helping friendly spirits and so he said to me, kindly, and as i was walking out the door to a scary first appointment, "so, you are never alone. right?" he wasn't the type to tell me and thusly solve the issue for me. he was more a question posing you figure it out for yourself person. anyway, the answer given our recent conversation about my spirit guides was "no."

do you think they are here with me reading my blog? i guess i should ask them sometime. are you guys just around to help with the big stuff or in your free time are you checking my blog for daily writings?

here is today's irrational thought. maybe, if i knew how to write code and design things on the computer i could make my blog look prettier and then people would come read it.

maybe i should go drink gin out of the dog bowl.

12. looking for my peace

well, my husband, flash, arrived down here yesterday. the bean was so excited to see him they just played and played. the chickpea did really well with him laughing and trying to eat his nose. joy. then darkness fell and nighttime parenting began. the plan was for dad to join the bean and sleep in there...something that was fairly normal when we were home. around 11:30 bean woke up and called for me so went in and got him back to sleep. flash stayed in bean's bed through all this. at midnight he was up again, this time the pea was up too so i picked her up and we went in. flash retired to the other bed. i spent the next three hours trying to convince the bean to sleep, not to kick me, to let me sleep, not to wake the pea, and so on. it was maddening and exhausting and there were so many times when i just wanted to scream at him, or shake him, or something. i was irate. i finally told him i was leaving him alone in his room so i could go sleep and i went to join flash, bringing the pea with me. within ten minutes he was crying for me and i went in and he rolled into me and fell asleep.

today is our last day down here and i wanted it to be so fun. i wanted to go out to dinner at the indian place and lunch at the cuban place and be all smiles and laughs. instead i am spending my time trying not to blow up at my crabby son and trying not to cry just because things are not going my way.

the bean hasn't napped in about two months but i thought he needed one so i took him for a drive. he fell asleep but when i got him out of the car and into his bed he woke up and refused to go back to sleep. he is so tired. why oh why oh why does he hate to sleep? and why does it make me so mad?

ok sit still for a minute and think. why am i mad? what can i let go of so i can feel better? what is making this so terrible. scott noelle is always talking about resistance creating anger in his daily groove emails. maybe i need to stop resisting. what am i fighting against. i am fighting against the day not going how i wanted it to or how i had imagined it would be. what if i could let go and trust that the universe just had other plans for this day? i would feel better. i might still struggle but there feels like less tension. ok, fine, universe, bring on your day.

i was driving the other day past a church down here and there was a sign out front that said "your plans not working out? try god's." it made me laugh at the time (and i still do get a chuckle out of the wording) but it also is starting to make more and more sense to me. if my plans are not going my way it really bugs me. but if i could step away from that, do my best, and trust that the divine is working her magic and things are as they should be i would feel better. i might still get mad but it feels less mad. like, this is just unpleasant. not with the added pressure of "what am i doing wrong it feels like i am failing." oh yes, i hate failing at things. so i hate failing at getting my child to sleep. and failing to keep everyone happy and well rested. and feeling like i am failing at the one thing i am trying to do -- parent.

i think i might take a deep breath. except i know from my relaxation response training that i need to take at last ten for it to be at all worthwhile so hold please. or breath with me. we can all feel a little better.

one. inhale and exhale.
two. inhale and exhale.
these are deep belly breaths. fill that belly up with air.
three. in out.
four. in with peace out with tension.
five. in with relaxation out with anger.
wow, feeling better already. but i think i will see this through to ten.
six. in out.
my shoulders are about ten inches lower.
seven in and out.
eight inhale white light. out with tension.
nine. in and out. i think the baby is more soundly asleep.
ten. big long deep inhale. slow exhale.

oh. ok. here i am. in the present. funny, the bean just got off the couch and started walking towards me. and flash got home from his trip to go pick me up food. thank you universe. thank you self.

8. a ride and a shower?

there is not a lot of me time in my life. today i owe my mom huge props for providing me with back to back me activities, a ride and a shower! wow! the horse in the background of this photo is "my horse" lucky. i put that in quotes because i have barely ridden or cared for him at all since the bean was born. thanks again to my mom who has treated him like her own, cleaned his stall, fed him, ridden him, and footed his bills. since i have been down here in SC for the month i have ridden a handful of times which is more then i had in years. in some ways it comes right back and in others i am totally lost up there. but, the joy is ceaseless. and the weight is lifted from me. i am not stressed, angry, tired, or frustrated. i am just being. that has always been the magic for me. that and the relationship with my horse. but he brings me into the present in the simplest ways.

after i ride i can come back into the house where the bean is no different and the chickpea is still loud as all get out and i don't want to hide from them anymore. instead i can laugh at the things that were making me cringe.

and a shower! alone! with time to shave my legs! you have to be a mom to appreciate the insanity of this day. a ride and a shower. holy divine one has shined her grace down on me today. i promise to be worthy of it even through the witching hour.

7. bean thoughts

he is growing up. maybe he doesn't sleep through the night much. he likes to be held still. he would often prefer that i feed him. but he is growing up. it is undeniable. in my weaker moments i want them both to hurry up and be older. i dream of life being easier. i want a break from being constantly needed by everyone. i want him to be more like other kids his age who need less. in my weaker moments i have wishes that the time will pass more quickly.

in clearer moments when i can really see him how he is now i am shocked and amazed. touched and feeling slippery sad emotions. he is not my baby anymore. he hasn't nursed since the day the chickpea was born. he says things like "i found the perfect shoes." he plays quietly with tape and paper for ten minutes or more. his face has changed to that of a little boy. when we get home from SC he will be starting preschool two mornings a week. he can use a fork and the pepper grinder. he runs "super fast" without falling so much, he kicks a bigger ball "so far." he laughs at his own jokes, just like his mama does.

i had no idea he was going to be such a consistently kind and caring older brother. the first thing he says to me many mornings is, "chickpea is up? can i give her hugs and kisses? put her here next to me so i can snuggle her." i can get in the shower and leave them alone together without worrying what he will do. he says, "i luf chickpea and she lufs me."

i can't imagine not spending every minute with him. when the pea was born and i mostly stopped sleeping with the bean i missed him so much. and i was still spending all day with him. but i missed snuggling his tiny body (huge and lanky now compared to a newborn) all night long. i missed smelling him before i even opened my eyes in the morning.

it is true that i have a lot moments where i lose my temper, i am annoyed by his antics and button pushing and typical two year old behaviors. but under that i love him with something bigger then words. like his laugh is anchored right in the core of my heart. even his fake laugh. and as much as i want him to hurry up and get easier i want him to stop growing. each time he grows up he moves a little bit further away from me and this same freedom i yearn for makes my eyes tear up. his world is getting so much bigger then his mama. and i love him i love him i love him.

6. home is safe

everything takes longer with two. if i am trying to leave the house with them in the morning i have to start getting ready at least 45 minutes before i have to leave. 45 minutes! how insane does that sound. well, everyone needs a clean diaper (shout out for two in cloth mama's), shoes, coats, the chickpea needs to nurse, the bean needs a snack and rice milk packed, i need shoes and a coat. i have to pack the diaper bag with ten trillion things. and then there is the last minute decision by the bean, "i don't want to go. i want to stay home."

oh, ok, sure. fantastic.

there are a lot things i used to do or want to do that i just don't do because getting them both out of the house is such a bother. is that sad?

and then once we get out the door there is the managing. miss chickpea hates the car so we all have to listen to her holler and scream for however long we are in it. which means i try to keep us pretty close to home. so maybe we go to the bagel store. we get there and i get them out of the car and into the shop and get off everyone's coats and get chickpea wrapped on and find the beans car toy and his juice and sit him at the table and start to head up to the counter to order. but he wants to be held too. so i heft him onto a hip. and i wobble over to the counter pretending not to notice that everyone is looking at me holding both of my kids. then when it is time to leave and the bean throws a tantrum cause he doesn't want to go home and he wants to be carried to the car and on the way out i am carrying so much stuff i knock over a chair which draws even more attention to us i am thinking, "why did i leave home?"

staying home is safe. yes, maybe they watch too much tv and i feel completely cut off from the world and i spend too much time on my computer looking at pictures on facebook of people who actually do something besides parent. that may all be true. but i am hiding and it feels safe.

wait, why am i hiding? because i am afraid of struggling with my kids in public. i think people might not like the way i parent. i think i might get upset and people will see i am not so great at this after all. i might be too patient with them, or not patient enough, or too loud or not loud enough. people might think i am permissive. or mean.

so home is safe because no one is judging me. ah ha. well maybe safety isn't all it is cracked up to be. maybe i should just embrace myself and my kids and be willing to go out. even if i will only go places that are a 10 minute drive or less. because really, i cannot stand the screaming.

5. for chs

for some reason my sister-in-law thinks it would be a good idea for me to write about all the things i have started and not finished. clearly she is dellusional because if i do that then i will develop such a strong sense of shame and self loathing that i will have to go start digging a hole and then hide in it when it is just big enough that i fit (not actually finished being dug) and then who will parent my kids to sleep all night! i might be able to give you an idea of a few things i have started lately and not finished. just a smattering, not the whole shebang, just so you can see that this is a pattern in my life. but please, do not tell my husband, i am pretty sure he hasn't noticed yet and if he does then he might not like me as much anymore or be nearly as patient with me and my dallying.

when i was pregnant with the bean i got really into knitting and i bought a ton of yarn and different needles and i made like two scarfs. then i started a third one and i never finished it. a few years later i was packing up the house so we could move and i found a bag of yarns i bought in college and a hat i started and never finished. i guess the knitting thing is a repeating pattern for me.

while we are on crafts, when the bean was about 9 months old and i was falling hardcore for babywearing i decided to use a pattern online to make my own mei tai. i got the fabric, printed out the pattern, cut it all and sewed two straps. i think the fabric and pattern got packed in the box with my yarn and needles for the move.

but then when i was due with the chickpea i found this tutorial online for making your own dryer balls with yarn scraps. perfect, i have lots of yarn! so i followed the instructions to the point where they were ready to be felted, i didn't have the knee high it called for so i tried a sock but it didn't work. the balls didn't felt. i could have gotten a knee high and tried again but instead i must have just decided i should start digging my hole.

i love starting the laundry. it really feels like i am going to get things done. but don't be surprised when you come over and there are three baskets full of clean, unfolded, getting wrinkled beyond recognition laundry in the playroom where i leave them so i can try to blame it on the kids. like it is their job (at 2.5 and 6 mos) to fold it.

ok, here is the kicker. i have started and not finished my masters degree. it was going really well at first and i went to school pretty much full time for two years so i only had one year left and i would have a great degree - but i had my first baby instead. i thought i was going to go back but then i didn't want to. i wanted to stay home. so i did some research and found a way i could down grade my goals and get a somewhat less impressive masters degree and only need to take two more classes instead of eight. fantastic. i have taken one of those classes in the last two and half years. so, yes, i have started a very expensive and time intensive masters program and i haven't finished it. oh, there is paperwork i needed to complete to keep records of my internship which i did two and half years ago and i have not finished that either. so there is no record. so i might just have to say poop on a rock again.

the thing about moving houses is that it has given me a lot of boxes to start unpacking. of course, i don't finish, so my husband has taken to shoving them - partially unpacked - into my closet. luckily i haven't found most of my clothes so there is a lot of room for half filled boxes in my closet.

*******************

you know what the great thing is? i didn't have time to finish this post yesterday. in honor of all things left unfinished i am posting it as it, unedited and unfinished. perhaps i can return to it another day.


note: the photo was taken several years ago for an advertisement i was going to place in a horse show book but i never finished making it...

2. by a thread

last night was not an easy one. i think at some point i got about an hour uninterrupted but most of the night it felt like one kid or another was up, wanting me to hold them, wanting to snuggle, needing a drink, needing milkies. the bean decided 5:50 was a good time to be up for the day. i spent a fair amount of time sleeping with both of them - crammed in between them sweaty and uncomfortable - and about the same amount of time walking between the two rooms trying to have them in different beds. i am tired, which is ok, and i am crabby, which i hate. i especially hate when i am crabby and i direct my crabbiness at them. like they chose to wake up, like they decided what style of nighttime parenting i would use, like it is someone's "fault" that my kids don't sleep. i really want to find someone to blame. wouldn't that be nice?

in this state i don't know what to do so i guess it makes the most sense to turn to some more grounded and loving guides.

dear grandmother, what can i do to feel better? is there a lesson here? am i on the right path?

hello my daughter. sit with me and let my energy hold you. you have spent a lot of yourself caring for your children in the last few weeks. reach out to the universe and ask to be filled back up. the crabbiness you feel is like a depletion. yes, perhaps you can look for ways to support your body through sleepless nights but all around you is what you need. free floating energy, happy to help you be stronger if you can take a moment of peace to ask for it, to invite help in. you told your mother, and then your friend, to be nice to themselves. be nice to yourself. seek out your own healing. love yourself. trust that you are doing well and right and that everything is truly and deeply ok. remember that love is energy pure, white, and strong. do you lack love?

not at all.

let yourself feel how that love fills you and creates joy.

don't get caught up in why me. why me leads you nowhere. self pity sticks you in the mud. transform those thoughts and you will be learning more from parenting. you often come to me and ask "am i doing this right?" and i always tell you that you are. and so i will continue to tell you. walk your path and be proud and true and feel how love sustains you. don't be in a hurry. don't rush to hear answers. sit and breath. pray. breath. pray. breath. pray.

smile.

yes.

is there more i should be thinking about today or now?

transformation. transforming energy. you can feel anger, crabbiness, frustration. these things arise. say hello. honor their presence in your experience of reality for a moment or two. sit with them fully. then ask that they be transformed. ask for love to transform them, ask for me to transform them, ask for the divine to transform them. feel them change and morph into something that helps to heal yourself and the world. let your children in on the process.

and eat chocolate?

humor is fine.

thank you. thank you. good bye.


well the weight is lifted some. and although it is still raining outside i can imagine wanting to go outside where the bean is doing barn chores with gran gran. it feels like i might be done hiding and trying to escape. that is always a step in the right direction for me. and maybe i can have a cookie before i go...while no one is looking.

1. ready to go

i am a failed blogger. i love to start things but i don't ever seem to follow through. not that anyone in the world is upset that i stopped short. but, i am disappointed in myself. so it is with fearful trepidation that i start yet again. and tell myself i will, i must, i can, i shall, put something on the blog everyday for a year. a year! a year? i think i might delete that part but for now i will keep typing and see what happens. committing to a year of posting everyday sounds like i am setting myself up to fail. of course, if i believe i will fail then i will fail. if i ask my friends and family to support me in my endeavor they will say - why blog everyday?

about a million years ago when i was young and single and not a mama at all my brother gave me anne lamott's book bird by bird. i had aspirations when i was in high school of being an author (what ever was i thinking?) and he had discovered anne and thought i would appreciate her teachings. what i remember right now is that she said you have to write everyday. and also that she talked about taking a long time to set herself up to write, tea just so, a snack, the right light, comfy clothes, and then when she was all ready and everything was perfect she sat down in her writing room to stare at the blank screen and fret that she could not think of anything to say. maybe i am making this all up and someone else told that story. it has been probably ten years since i read the book and for three of them i have not had more then a few straight hours of sleep.

who ever said all that certainly didn't think that rambling around on blogger was writing everyday but i have to start somewhere. start and continue. so i am not going to delete it then. poop. (or poop on a rock as we say in my family.) i would already like to stop and let myself off the hook and be able to quit at any time and fall back into my current habit of being nothing but a mama.

my oldest, the bean, is two years and nine months old and i am really just realizing how i disappeared into the role and lost my sense of self. it is ok though. i have been a good mama to him, and now also to the chickpea who is almost six months old. but i think it would be nice if they could meet me as well as having all their needs met by their mama. if that makes a lick of sense.

for now i will let coffee and fig newmans sustain me and plan on checking in again tomorrow.