25. i make cream

chickpea at 6.5 months

knees? what knees? those funny little fat dimples half way down her legs? here she is in all her chubby monkey glory. my last baby. exclusively breastfed up to this point. not a single drop of anything else. she is made from the best stuff on earth. and like the bean, she came out a normal size (they were 7.6 and 7.12) and very quickly became huge. if my scale is at all accurate she is verging on the 20lb mark at this point. flash said to me one day, "i think i am going to have a t-shirt made for you that says, 'i make cream.' you must to make them grow like this!"

although flash and i have not always agreed on every moment of parenting he has been an unflagging supporter of my nursing relationship with both kids. he never once asked me when the bean would wean. when the bean was nearing 1.5 years and i was getting uncomfortable nursing in public flash encouraged me to be full of pride and not shame. when i nursed the bean through my pregnancy he never ever asked me if it was ok for the baby he just asked me if i'd had enough to eat. when i got blanketed on the plane he said the flight attendant was lucky he was not with me. he has always assured me that i am feeding them the best stuff on earth and they are blessed to have it.

within the next week or so we will offer the pea some solid food to try. we are thinking we might go for a sweet potato cut into tiny cubes she could grab and self feed. and if she does grab it and eat it i will watch with joy and overwhelming sadness. there goes my baby. my last baby. eating a food my body did not produce. and taking the first step towards her eventual weaning. growing up faster then i can keep track of. and while i am distracted by how to make it through the day, or how to keep her spirited brother happy, she has been getting older bit by bit. she doesn't sleep all day. she pushes up on her hands. she needs the bigger pacifier. she gets too distracted to nurse. she stands in her exersaucer. she drops her toys. she can almost sit on her own. and sometime soon she will eat a sweet potato, or an avocado, and she will still nurse but things will have shifted.

this moment always feels so big to me. so emotionally charged. she is nursing but she is weaning (even if it takes her three years). she still needs me but she also doesn't. she is still made of me but not totally. she is still a baby but i will blink twice and she will be a toddler. and my days of having a baby will be over. and my sweet sweet girl will be a growing up kid.

today though, she is a little under the weather. and instead of wishing she would let me put her down i am thrilled that she wants me. that she cries when i put her down. and does her little hyperventilating shaky limbs thing that comes with her cry. and looks at me with wide eyes, "mama!" she is still my baby now. sweet sweet sleeping in simon stuffy nose baby. with the fattest legs we have ever seen. bless those fat fat legs. bless my baby.

22. a day

it is that day when you want to say you are having a really bad day. but what you should say is that you have to be creative today. truly outrageously creative. and relaxed. and not mind your dirty dirty teeth. or juggling two crying kids. or wiping snot off everything but the source because he won't let you near him. and you are tired because he doesn't sleep when he is sick. and you want to moan and cry yourself but you stuff it down. or let it out. i don't know. i want help. i wish my mom was home.

right now the pea is asleep on me. after her morning nap being interrupted by her hysterical older brother crying and sobbing and carrying on for about an hour. i am not sure if he is so sick he is a mess or just so tired from being up most of the night. or if he is just himself. he wants me all to himself because he is not feeling good and he has to share me which is pretty much the end of his little world. honestly, i wish i could just take care of him too. but as i told him, i am her mama too. and they both need me now.

when she wakes up i want to get dressed. and brush my teeth. and floss. and eat lunch. it is 12:20. maybe i need a second coffee. maybe i should throw them in the car and drive to trader joes listening to her cry the whole way because she hates the car just to feel like i did something. maybe pizza is a good answer for dinner.

maybe.
may be.
may i be.
calm.
serene.
loving.
peaceful.
patient.
happy.
may i be.

21. are you like me?

the bean aping his baby doll this fall

i don't have a lot of real life friends who are parenting in the same way i am. i have a few fantastic friends here in town, and they are very kind and wonderful parents, but there are differences in the way we deal with sleep or nursing or whatever. just differences. and different is fine but sometimes it is just nice to spend time with someone who parents like you do. i had no idea it was going to feel so - lonely - when i started making some of the decisions i made. but it does. and sometimes i go places that feel "cruchier" or something and i am looking around thinking, "are any of these people ap?"

today we tried a new class. it is at a yoga studio near me and it is called mommy & me yoga. the teacher is there with her daughter who seems about 3 or 4 to me. then there were two other women there with 3 or 4 year old girls and two newer mom's there with babies. i was there with my two, chickpea on the mat grabbing her toes and smiling at everyone and the bean who did not want to leave the house (i promised he could eat cheddar quakes in the car) or walk to the studio (i said i would race him and hold both his hands) or go into the room (i pulled out his bob toys and drove them in in a little parade of bobness to encourage him). then he sat in the corner near me with his toys averting his eyes and not participating. which is ok.

so during the class i was trying to make both my kids happy and have fun while also keeping my eyes peeled for signs, hints, as to other parenting methods in the room. because, if you are at the yoga studio you might be ap. you just might. especially if you are the teacher, right? she certainly seems to be into gentle discipline. i mean, her little one is kind of pushing the buttons and she is using that tone i recognize so well. the "i kind of want to strangle you but that will get us nowhere so i am going to be calm and even and kind and i am digging down deep to find my loving peaceful self" voice.

but my point is more, there i am, looking looking looking. and in my head i am thinking, "are any of you ap? like me? ap?" i wish there was some kind of pin we wore, or a hand shake. someway to just feel a little less like i am the only one walking this path right now. not that i would have an instant friend just because they were ap. or that i would love them. but it would be nice to feel a little more normal. and maybe i would feel a little more normal if i spent less time chatting online with my ap friends who live all over the united states and beyond and more time talking it out with people who i could see and smell and touch. if i wanted to do those things.

not to be overly poor me or anything but sometimes it just gets a little tiresome feeling like the only freak in town. and that is because i sleep with my kids and nursed through my pregnancy and don't believe in time outs. what if they also knew i communicated telepathically with animals. and took advice from spirit friends. and think i can talk to my friend's dead uncle. what if i just wore myself on my sleeve and said, "this is me. take me as i am." i wonder what that would feel like and how it would be. and if i would still spend all this secretive energy glancing about furtively wondering, "are you like me?"

i know there are enough of us out there to keep several chat boards busy. but there don't seem to be enough in my area to even keep the attachment parenting international support group going. the old leaders moved about two years ago and the yahoo group kind of dribbles on with a post every three months or so and no one stepping up to lead. i have been thinking that maybe leading a local api group is something i could do. but, first i have to read some more books and then pay a fee to start it and so on. i think that is another post entirely.

i also think i need some black tea. or another coffee. because i can't even feel awake enough to write this. but for the sake of anne i am staying at the screen. you know what is kind of amazing? i have put a post up every day since i said i would. now, that is a pretty active blog for a freak huh?

alright few brave readers. lets go binge on sugar, or caffeine, or potato chips, and find an online friend to compare bad nights with. yikes. peace. love. joy.

18. de-mad

bean and chickpea both sleeping at about 2.5 years and 6 weeks.

i think one of the reasons i do not come up with working on sleep plans is because i get mad so easily. and mad just does not help. if i am not trying, i am not failing, and i am not angry. when i try i feel like i am floundering around in the dark and nothing is working and i hate hate hate sucking at things. so i get really mad. mad like i am irrationally angry at my child because they are not that magical sleeping 7 month old. as though they are choosing not to sleep simply to taunt me. or to make sure i fail. or i lose. where does this anger come from?

i came up with a sleep plan the other day. it seemed like baby enough steps that i could do it without losing my mind. i ran the idea's past flash and my friend who also has two non-sleepers (we'll call her victory cause she has a serious vegetable garden green thumb that i am deeply jealous of) and they agreed that it sounded doable.

here is the plan:
1. try to get the chickpea to nap in her crib the first nap of the day. so, get her to sleep nursing and rocking. replace breast with paci. put her in the crib. when she wakes (usually somewhere between 20 - 40 mins) try to get her back to sleep and back in the crib. for her second (or subsequent) naps i am giving myself the freedom to try crib or just wear her depending on my mood and how i think she is doing.

2. have flash stay in the room while i get the bean to sleep at night. not that i leave or anything, or that flash takes over any part of our little love fest routine, but that he is in there.

i implemented the plan yesterday with what i view as HUGE success. so much success that i had to just use all caps and yell about it. chickpea napped for 35 mins, woke up, let me get her back to sleep relatively quickly, and slept in her crib for another 45 mins or so. woot!

at night i told the bean that dada was going to stay with us while we went to sleep. he said, "i don't want to sleep with daddy!" and i assured him "daddy is not sleeping with you he is just staying with us while we fall asleep and then he will leave." end of protest and the bean was asleep within ten minutes. another big woot.

so with all that early success under my belt i felt like things were going well. and i was thrilled and inspired. maybe this isn't so bad after all. then this morning chickpea had other ideas and only napped in her crib for about 30 mins. woke up. it took me about 30 mins to get her back to sleep. put her in her crib and she was awake in 4 minutes. yes, 4. i was mad. pissed. irate. in fact, i decided it was best not to go up and get her straight away because i was so mad. i waited until she started fussing and i had calmed down. then i promptly jumped on my chat and told victory "i am losing my mind this is not working!"

from an intellectual perspective and from reading all the sleep books i can see that it is totally insane to think that trying something new once is going to mean that everything changes and my kids are the sleepers of my dreams. yes, i get it. but the thing inside me that rises up like an snake uncoiling does not listen to the rational brain. it hisses and screams and bites and hurts. and i want to stomp it down and i want to feed it at the same time.

don't hear the wrong thing here. the snake is metaphor and i don't yell, scream or hurt my children. but i feel a level emotion that is verging on insane. where is it coming from? why am i fostering it in my body?

victory said, "if it is stressing you out this much why not back off?"

yes, that is an option. but there is work for me here and i want to face it. the work is to de-mad myself. to try to peak into the eyes of the snake and say, "hello friend. what is the message you have for me? what do i need to see, learn, face, honor, for this to change? how can i let go of the angry and just be patient and calm about the process?"

because doesn't it seem a little strange that i have the patience to parent two kids through several nightwakings each night and not to do a little bit of work on a nap? what is that about?

it feels like right thing to do is to talk to the anger. so lets try a little woo woo.

my intention is to communicate with the part of me that is angry in relation to my children and sleep. are you there for me to talk with?

yes.

ok, this anger feels big and powerful and like a fire energy. i feel scared of it. i am noticing those reactions. my heart feels tight and scared. i am scared of the angry part of myself and scared of the fire intensity.


fire, anger, i am scared of you.


yes. i know. but you do not need to fear me. i am power and i am your power. harness your power, hold it, use it in a way you like. don't hide from it.

it feels like i might be able to use the power to be strong and patient about sleep. about working on sleep. can i make that transformation? it also makes sense to me that i am afraid of the power, of the fire, of the anger. this fear is a repeating thing for me since i was intimately involved with someone who felt abusive to me. is working with you all a part of this healing process for me?

yes. of course. and yes, you can make that transformation. can and will.

and i don't need to make you disappear. i can be angry. it does not need to consume me though. i can say hello and then ask the power to change to something more useful to me.

you can't never be angry. and you cannot need the people in your life to never be angry. you need to develop a relationship with anger that is functional so that you care for your own anger correctly and in balance. otherwise it comes out fractured and directed as blame. blame does not serve you. but fire does serve you. feel the fire, listen to the fire, harness the fire, transform the anger. anger can be great energy. you just need to meet it and then shape it, clean it up, love it, turn it into love.

ok. so this is life work stuff. i get it when we are talking about it but i am guessing i won't pull it off all the time.

life work is good. maybe sleep is life work. things don't change in a day.

right. thank you for talking with me anger.

"angry me." i am a part of you not a separate teacher. that distinction is important for you.

thank you angry me. i am going to work on honoring my fire energy and my anger and focusing on my ability to harness and work with the energy as love.

ok. well there is the woo woo for today. i have to say, whenever i have doubted my attachment parenting style my woo woo brings me back to it. so for today i think i will keep working on the sleep changes and see how the work can be work for me on a spiritual level. try, get mad, say hi to mad, turn mad into love and patience and the ability to persevere, try again.

if anyone is still reading god bless ya!

17. my hands smell like poop

some of my favorite tush cloth dipes

i mean, not like my hands are a stench and i can smell them when they are resting in my lap. but, when i put them up to my face i can smell poop. i always wash them well after a diaper change but somehow the scent can linger. it is the kind of thing that would have been disgusting before i had children but now it seems like, well, not the best thing ever but just part of my life.

before i had children i had relationships with other people my age to obsess about. say, friends or boyfriends, and then my husband. i had this habit of kind of disappearing into the relationship for awhile, then realizing the "me" part had ceased to exist, and trying to refind myself. so, i am doing that now i realize. when my son was born i just kind of disappeared into being his mother. and i love it, and i love being a mama to two, but i want more too.

one thing i want is to be able to leave my kids with a sitter i trust while i spend some one on one time with my husband, or with myself, or with a friend. the experience of finding a sitter has not been easy for me and has caused a lot of stress on my little family unit. the bean is not a kid who takes kindly to being left with people. and, instead of slowly chipping away at that while he was young i froze in the face of the struggle and did nothing about it. now he is almost three and still the only person i can just leave him with is my mom. which is fine except that she is not near us 6 months out of the year so during all that time we've got nothing. when the bean was about 15 months old i found a sitter i liked and slowly we got to the point where we could leave him with her for an hour or two. i am not even talking about someone being able to do bedtime or anything. just that we can walk out the door without being called back home ten minutes later.

that sitter had to go to college and that coincided with us moving and me having the chickpea and the next two sitters i tried i didn't think i could leave him with. i tried once and a meltdown ensued and i got the call to return. now the whole idea of finding a sitter and getting to the point where we can go out feels like a Really Big Deal. so it terrifies me. so i freeze up.

i have decided that frozen is getting me nowhere so i need to at least move one little baby foot forward just the tiniest bit. if that is all i can do that is ok but there has to be some movement. so, instead of worrying that my kids can't do it, or that their inability is going to make my husband angry or disappointed, or that i will upset everyone by trying, i am going to make a call or two. maybe we can try to have bagels one morning. and if they both cry and we have to come home then at least i tried. and i can try again, and again, and again, until we eat our bagels. and then maybe we can try a dinner. ok, typing that sentence put me back in freak out mode because i know how much my flash would love that and i know how far it feels from the kids being cool with it. so i think i'll back back down to bagels. bagels. bagels are good. fattening but good.

somewhere between "this is terrible i want to be able to get away for a week alone" and "they are only young once so i never need any me time" is the place i want to be. i wish that spot was easier to find and felt less volatile to me. i wish i could find the tiny little baby steps that took me there instead of feeling like it is all big test about whether my parenting choices were "right" or "wrong." i wish that flash and i could both embrace attachment parenting and still sit together over a nice bottle of red and hold hands. and look into eachothers eyes. and he could tell me, "your hands smell like poop."

12. looking for my peace

well, my husband, flash, arrived down here yesterday. the bean was so excited to see him they just played and played. the chickpea did really well with him laughing and trying to eat his nose. joy. then darkness fell and nighttime parenting began. the plan was for dad to join the bean and sleep in there...something that was fairly normal when we were home. around 11:30 bean woke up and called for me so went in and got him back to sleep. flash stayed in bean's bed through all this. at midnight he was up again, this time the pea was up too so i picked her up and we went in. flash retired to the other bed. i spent the next three hours trying to convince the bean to sleep, not to kick me, to let me sleep, not to wake the pea, and so on. it was maddening and exhausting and there were so many times when i just wanted to scream at him, or shake him, or something. i was irate. i finally told him i was leaving him alone in his room so i could go sleep and i went to join flash, bringing the pea with me. within ten minutes he was crying for me and i went in and he rolled into me and fell asleep.

today is our last day down here and i wanted it to be so fun. i wanted to go out to dinner at the indian place and lunch at the cuban place and be all smiles and laughs. instead i am spending my time trying not to blow up at my crabby son and trying not to cry just because things are not going my way.

the bean hasn't napped in about two months but i thought he needed one so i took him for a drive. he fell asleep but when i got him out of the car and into his bed he woke up and refused to go back to sleep. he is so tired. why oh why oh why does he hate to sleep? and why does it make me so mad?

ok sit still for a minute and think. why am i mad? what can i let go of so i can feel better? what is making this so terrible. scott noelle is always talking about resistance creating anger in his daily groove emails. maybe i need to stop resisting. what am i fighting against. i am fighting against the day not going how i wanted it to or how i had imagined it would be. what if i could let go and trust that the universe just had other plans for this day? i would feel better. i might still struggle but there feels like less tension. ok, fine, universe, bring on your day.

i was driving the other day past a church down here and there was a sign out front that said "your plans not working out? try god's." it made me laugh at the time (and i still do get a chuckle out of the wording) but it also is starting to make more and more sense to me. if my plans are not going my way it really bugs me. but if i could step away from that, do my best, and trust that the divine is working her magic and things are as they should be i would feel better. i might still get mad but it feels less mad. like, this is just unpleasant. not with the added pressure of "what am i doing wrong it feels like i am failing." oh yes, i hate failing at things. so i hate failing at getting my child to sleep. and failing to keep everyone happy and well rested. and feeling like i am failing at the one thing i am trying to do -- parent.

i think i might take a deep breath. except i know from my relaxation response training that i need to take at last ten for it to be at all worthwhile so hold please. or breath with me. we can all feel a little better.

one. inhale and exhale.
two. inhale and exhale.
these are deep belly breaths. fill that belly up with air.
three. in out.
four. in with peace out with tension.
five. in with relaxation out with anger.
wow, feeling better already. but i think i will see this through to ten.
six. in out.
my shoulders are about ten inches lower.
seven in and out.
eight inhale white light. out with tension.
nine. in and out. i think the baby is more soundly asleep.
ten. big long deep inhale. slow exhale.

oh. ok. here i am. in the present. funny, the bean just got off the couch and started walking towards me. and flash got home from his trip to go pick me up food. thank you universe. thank you self.

10. ok so i was right

i always think that one of the reasons i was drawn to a certain style of parenting is because of the nature of my first born. the bean is a special one. from the start he has been very sensitive and easily upset. this meant holding and wearing him a lot when he was a baby as well as seeing the benefits of extended nursing and cosleeping and all that fun. as he gets a bit older it has also meant finding the right style of discipline. i hesitate to even use that word because i think discipline in our culture often is synonymous with punishment and that doesn't work around here. what i mean is finding a consistent, fair, and respectful way to teach him about limits, boundaries, safety, and the world out there.

right now the chickpea is going through another phase where she will only nap if i hold her or wear her and i have gotten into the habit of turning on some music and putting her in the wrap and staying out in the main living area with the bean while she sleeps. but sometimes he decides he wants to be loud (probably because i ask him not to be) or that he wants to wake her up and play with her and things don't go the way i would like them to. today he was pulling some serious 2.9 year old antics when i was trying to have her nap. he has this tricycle he rides around the house down here and somehow he decided to fall off it and fake cry repeatedly, louder and louder, until i asked him to shhhhh, and then he did a few more times louder for good measure until chickpea woke up.

to be brutally honest i was annoyed. we were having a good day up until this moment and i sort of felt like what he was doing was unfair. i took the chickpea off and put her in a safe spot with some toys and asked him to come talk to me in his room. once in there things went kind of like this:

me: i need you to be quiet when chickpea is napping on me ok?
b: no.
me: i know it is hard but if she does not sleep she is cranky. she needs her sleep. i am mad because you woke her up. do you understand?
b: no no no. i want her to wake up.
me: i don't want her to wake up . i want her to sleep. when you wake her up it makes me mad.
b: no i want her to wake up so i can play with her.
me: next time she is sleeping can you please be quiet. if you don't think you can be quiet then i guess that i will take chickpea to another room so she can sleep and you can be alone.
b: no.
me: you understand that waking her up makes me mad?
b is now rolling around on the bed giggling.
me: i love you even when i am mad at you.
more giggling
me: everything is gong to be ok. but i would really like it if you could be quiet.

we went back out to the main living area and within five minutes something had set him off and was in a full on crying melt down. i tried to be calm and patient. a lot of i love you's. a lot of "this is hard. i am sorry this is hard. you are doing your best. being mad is ok. crying is ok. i love you." and so on. he carried on and on. eventually i took him to his room so he could cry in there. i asked if he wanted to play? nonononononono. i told him i was ready to play with him or have a snack and juice with him when he was ready so come find me. he said ok. awhile later i went and got him. we had a snack and were getting ready to go outside. i told him i had to use the bathroom before we went out. he said, "i will come with you." ok.

"i will come with you or else you will be mad and you will be all alone."

ouch. i know my bean and i know he was telling me what he heard me say earlier was that i was mad at him and i was going to make him be all alone.

and really it is not fair of me to ask him to be quiet enough not to wake her up. that is an unrealistic expectation for his age. and then to tell him i am mad and make him feel like i will make him be all alone because of it. when all he wanted was some attention.

so in the bathroom was like this:

b: i will come with you or else you will be mad and you will be all alone.
me: oh beanie, i love you. i messed up. i am sorry. i am not mad at you. i love you.

the tiniest nuances matter with this kid of mine. and i will keep trying to remember that he was born to me for a reason. and that i don't need to parent him how other people parent other kids. and that respecting his emotions and limitations is not the same as being permissive. so we went outside and played. and now i am holding z on the bed while she sleeps and he is in the next room over watching a show and for today this is ok.

7. bean thoughts

he is growing up. maybe he doesn't sleep through the night much. he likes to be held still. he would often prefer that i feed him. but he is growing up. it is undeniable. in my weaker moments i want them both to hurry up and be older. i dream of life being easier. i want a break from being constantly needed by everyone. i want him to be more like other kids his age who need less. in my weaker moments i have wishes that the time will pass more quickly.

in clearer moments when i can really see him how he is now i am shocked and amazed. touched and feeling slippery sad emotions. he is not my baby anymore. he hasn't nursed since the day the chickpea was born. he says things like "i found the perfect shoes." he plays quietly with tape and paper for ten minutes or more. his face has changed to that of a little boy. when we get home from SC he will be starting preschool two mornings a week. he can use a fork and the pepper grinder. he runs "super fast" without falling so much, he kicks a bigger ball "so far." he laughs at his own jokes, just like his mama does.

i had no idea he was going to be such a consistently kind and caring older brother. the first thing he says to me many mornings is, "chickpea is up? can i give her hugs and kisses? put her here next to me so i can snuggle her." i can get in the shower and leave them alone together without worrying what he will do. he says, "i luf chickpea and she lufs me."

i can't imagine not spending every minute with him. when the pea was born and i mostly stopped sleeping with the bean i missed him so much. and i was still spending all day with him. but i missed snuggling his tiny body (huge and lanky now compared to a newborn) all night long. i missed smelling him before i even opened my eyes in the morning.

it is true that i have a lot moments where i lose my temper, i am annoyed by his antics and button pushing and typical two year old behaviors. but under that i love him with something bigger then words. like his laugh is anchored right in the core of my heart. even his fake laugh. and as much as i want him to hurry up and get easier i want him to stop growing. each time he grows up he moves a little bit further away from me and this same freedom i yearn for makes my eyes tear up. his world is getting so much bigger then his mama. and i love him i love him i love him.

6. home is safe

everything takes longer with two. if i am trying to leave the house with them in the morning i have to start getting ready at least 45 minutes before i have to leave. 45 minutes! how insane does that sound. well, everyone needs a clean diaper (shout out for two in cloth mama's), shoes, coats, the chickpea needs to nurse, the bean needs a snack and rice milk packed, i need shoes and a coat. i have to pack the diaper bag with ten trillion things. and then there is the last minute decision by the bean, "i don't want to go. i want to stay home."

oh, ok, sure. fantastic.

there are a lot things i used to do or want to do that i just don't do because getting them both out of the house is such a bother. is that sad?

and then once we get out the door there is the managing. miss chickpea hates the car so we all have to listen to her holler and scream for however long we are in it. which means i try to keep us pretty close to home. so maybe we go to the bagel store. we get there and i get them out of the car and into the shop and get off everyone's coats and get chickpea wrapped on and find the beans car toy and his juice and sit him at the table and start to head up to the counter to order. but he wants to be held too. so i heft him onto a hip. and i wobble over to the counter pretending not to notice that everyone is looking at me holding both of my kids. then when it is time to leave and the bean throws a tantrum cause he doesn't want to go home and he wants to be carried to the car and on the way out i am carrying so much stuff i knock over a chair which draws even more attention to us i am thinking, "why did i leave home?"

staying home is safe. yes, maybe they watch too much tv and i feel completely cut off from the world and i spend too much time on my computer looking at pictures on facebook of people who actually do something besides parent. that may all be true. but i am hiding and it feels safe.

wait, why am i hiding? because i am afraid of struggling with my kids in public. i think people might not like the way i parent. i think i might get upset and people will see i am not so great at this after all. i might be too patient with them, or not patient enough, or too loud or not loud enough. people might think i am permissive. or mean.

so home is safe because no one is judging me. ah ha. well maybe safety isn't all it is cracked up to be. maybe i should just embrace myself and my kids and be willing to go out. even if i will only go places that are a 10 minute drive or less. because really, i cannot stand the screaming.